3 words that mean so much but are said so little…

3 words that mean so much but are said so little…

“I forgive you”

3 powerful words yet aren’t said nearly enough. They are hard words to swallow and say. Especially when there is so much anger or resentment toward someone. Forgiveness takes time. It isn’t something that comes easy. You really have to work at it and want to forgive someone. It’s a work in progress with no due date. Then you have the “I forgive you” but I’m not going to tell you because I’m not ready. So you write a simple note that says “I forgive you” and you seal it in the envelope and you write their name on it but you don’t send it. You want it in writing but you don’t want to give that person satisfaction or ammunition to go after you for unresolved things. You may be still seeking justice through form of payment, financial support or anything else and just because you forgive that person doesn’t mean you have to stop going after then for justice.

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I forgive you!

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Finding Forgiveness

Finding Forgiveness

About 44 days ago I found a great resource for people going through Divorce, the organization is called DivorceCare. They will send you daily emails for a year and they also have classes you can partake in. The reason I bring this up to you is that on day 41 the topic was “Saying Good-bye to your losses”. Here is what it stated,

People in grief must learn to say good-bye to what they have lost. Saying good-bye is not a one-time experience, but there will come a day when final good-byes are said.

H. Norman Wright offers practical advice to help you say good-bye to your losses: “You have to work through your feelings—especially anger. Write a ‘non-mailed’ angry letter, and pour out your heart in it. Then sit with an empty chair placed in front of you, put the person’s name there, and read the letter out loud.

“Another idea is to write a letter of forgiveness. It might be, ‘Dear So and So, I forgive you for the way you betrayed me.’ Then write the first rebuttal that comes to mind. Keep doing this, whether it’s ten or twenty times, until you come to the place where there are no more rebuttals and you can say, ‘I forgive you for …’”

Mr. Wright continues, “It’s when the good-byes are said that you can turn the corner and move ahead.”

You may not want to say good-bye, but this is necessary at some point in your recovery process. Saying good-bye does not mean you are closing yourself off from the other person. You are saying good-bye to what you have lost, to the things of the past, and to a relationship that is over. You are experiencing closure to the grief, blame, anger, and emotions that are behind you. A new way of living is before you that may or may not include your former spouse.”

I found it very interesting to read it that day. I knew something had shifted in me and that it had been for the better. Once I read it all I emailed my mom stating, “I read this today and I think within the past two weeks I have come to this… The relinquishing my anger and feelings of betrayal.” She emailed me back stating she had seen a change in me lately and agreed.

It was like a burden on my back had been lifted and all the hate and betrayal I had for my ex had disappeared. I was done feeling that way and was ready to move on. Yes I still have to see him every week until the middle of December but I no longer have the hate that I had for him. 21423708044_6074d6638d_o

A Moment of Change

A Moment of Change

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I can’t say it’s been an entirely bad time. I have been doing a lot of evaluating of my life, my friendship and my relationships. I have backed out of my “slut phase” and into my “I’m okay with myself phase”. Trust me I’m still not 100% impressed with who I am but I’m getting there. I know one thing I really need to do at this point is get into the workout routine yet again. I have been stagnant lately due to health issues but its time to stop using them as an excuse.

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Some other things that have been going on lately. I have walked the road to forgiveness, to my ex-husband within the past few weeks. Seeing him every week makes me remember how much better I am off alone than with him. He has told me multiple times that he still loves me and is not over me but he knows I am no longer an option for him and all I want from him at this point is to be paid my $1,000 and to be done with him.

I have also started more in dept with counseling. About 2 or so months ago I had an overdose attempt and I realized that it was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to be depressed or known as the depressed divorced woman. I also started a Divorced Care group, it’s been interesting. The people are in all stages of divorce and it has been encouraging to see that I can do better and to help those who are in the midst of it. I also recently started a budgeting class, to try and help me get back on track financially. Again it has been an encouraging time for me.

When talking about relationships, I took a break from my “slut phase” a few weeks ago before my best friends wedding. There was just so much going on and I really didn’t feel like I needed that in my life. I have since had a little fun with people but I still have backed off drastically.  I am learning who my real friends are and who the ones are that just want to use me for my body or just use me in general. Which brings me to my best friend.

I have since taken a break from my best friend since she got married a few weeks ago, but the strange thing is, is I don’t think she realizes it. We haven’t talked since the day she was married and even that day we hardly talked. I didn’t realize I was the Maid of Honor until the night before the wedding. The wedding was nice but a disaster.

I feel like life is slowly trudging along on a slow upward climb. I’m finding people who I can laugh with and talk to, who aren’t clingy and who aren’t completely out of my life unless they want something from me. It’s good to feel that and to know that it’s out there. Yes some days are harder then others, like yesterday… That was the one year anniversary since I kicked my ex husband out and ultimately started the Divorce process. I have come a long way and I see that now. I realize how much better I am and how freerier I am. How closer I am to my parents and to certain friends. I look around and think, “Life is good” Yes I am not emotionally, physically or financially 100% stable but I’m still her and I still want to live my life.

So I leave you with this quote:

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One thing after another

One thing after another

You ever have those day, weeks, months, or years, where one bad thing happens after another? The feeling of not being able to catch a break no matter how hard you try?

That’s what I’m beginning to feel like. I sprained both my ankles in May and they have been huge and hurting ever since. I finally went to my doctor to talk to her about it and she referred me to physical therapy. I went there and they think I have a torn ligament or partial tear.

Then there’s the fact that I saw my ex husband for the first time this weekend. Don’t even get me started on that….

Things I want to say to my ex husband…

Things I want to say to my ex husband…

Do you ever have those days where someone has hurt you or done you wrong and all you want to do is tell them how you really feel? You want to get physical with them, punch them in the throat or where it hurts the most, yell at them. After you feel better for the moment. Then you don’t because it was only for you and they didn’t change. Things didn’t happen besides the word vomit that is everywhere. In dealing with divorce you really have to watch what you say and do. Anything can be used against you in court. So you write notes that will never be sent. Praying that doing so will make you feel better. But it doesn’t. You want to move on but you feel trapped.

Today was that day… the day of anxiety of complete frustration. The day where I wanted to yell at him, kick him in the balls and make him go to jail for a very long time. Today i wrote him this (but never sent it):

“You have hurt me more then you will ever know and more then anyone else I have known. You take people and use them for your own purposes and when they are no longer good use for you you leave them stranded and broken. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You have no regard for the law or responsibilities. You would rather not work a day in your life and have someone support you so you can drink and go to the races. You would think after 3 DUI’s you would have learned your lesson but drunks never learn until they kill someone or are killed. Honestly I pray for people on the road when you drive. Grow up and be a man think about others for a change. I know that is a very hard concept for you since it’s not all about you, he’ll maybe if you were a grownup and not a drunk like your uncle or what your dad used to be, you would actually have friends that were good to you and actually be your friends not back stabbing liars like you. Stop thinking the world owes you shit and start realizing how much it doesn’t revolve around you. You, (Insert ex-husbands full name), are a self-centered drunk who doesn’t give a crap about anyone but yourself.

We will never be friends or acquaintances. If I dare see you anywhere near me you better walk away. Do not talk to me anymore. What we had was over and it will never come back.”

Did that feel good? Kind of but I’m still broken, I’m still trying to move on and I’m still left in a million pieces wondering if I can make it another day.

Fighting the After Effects of a Suicide Attempt

Fighting the After Effects of a Suicide Attempt

Alright so lets talk real here for a minute (like I haven’t been all along…psh). After someone tries to attempt suicide there is a ripple effect. The effect on yourself, on your job, on your relationships, etc.

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Yourself

Lets first talk about the after effects on yourself. Depending on what you tried to do, there could be a Psych evaluation, hospital stay, for sure counseling and for sure a trip to your doctor (whoever it may be) to evaluate your meds.

After all of that is completed there’s people constantly checking on you and in your business. Asking if you’re alright and if you want to talk about it. You also have those people who judge you and think that the attempt to kill yourself was just a cry for attention.

What you really want is for everyone to leave you alone and go lay in bed for days on end. But life doesn’t work that way. You have a job, you have a life, you may be married, you may have kids or pets. They won’t let you lay in bed wallowing in pain and self pitty, unless you don’t want any of those things. It sucks but you have to get right back at life and try and be a version of yourself that is healthy and mentally sound.

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Job

God does everyone hate working. We live in a society where people love to be at home and not have to work BUT still can make money. I will admit I am one of them.

They may give you a day off after the incident or if you end up on a Psych ward they will have to give you the day off. You would go through all of your savings and vacation yet still not working. When you are finally back to work people will again constantly ask you if you are okay and you will forever have that label on your back stating, “This person tried to commit suicide”.

We all need a source of income so we know that staying in bed is not an option for us wanting to survive. So we drag ourselves out of bed, grab some coffee, try to put on our best self and head into work. We are often late and stick to ourselves. We become anti-social and fear other people are judging us.

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Relationships

I feel like the relationships after suicide are the things that are most effected and usually not in a good way. Again people are always around ensuring you are okay and making you talk about your feelings. They will baby you and judge you at the same time. At some point they will begin to see that you are okay to their standards and then they will back away.

We as the people who have attempted suicide, we will begin to put that face back on and mask our emotions so people will back away. Yet we won’t really work it out completely. The thought of suicide will always be with us no matter what. We will also be planning our next attempt in the back of our mind. We may never act on it but the thought is always there.

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Suicide should never be an option yet some people don’t think about how it will effect others they just think about ending their life to end the pain.

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