Mr. Adventurous was probably the most fun and exciting of them all… until I realized what was really happening. It wasn’t long after my marriage breakup that I met him online. What started out as fun and playful quickly took a turn into trying to fill all of my fantasies and his as well.
Looking back, I would say this was also a time in my life where decisions were not being made with a clear head.
The first time I met him we had “fun”, it was just us in my house. Not long after he invited me to his office for “fun” during my lunch breaks and after work. He wanted me to experiment like I wanted, and he guided me through it. Providing people to be apart of it, men and women. I had very extravagant experiences. But then things began to get different. I would show up at his office and he would tell me to get naked then someone else would walk in. He would video all or most of it, then have that person leave before having me get dressed and leave.
I began to feel used and dirty. I would distance myself from him but he keep texting asking me to come over. I finally stopped replying to him all together. He was furious. He said he wanted to be with me for a long time… even after I was married again. Yet he didn’t want to be married to me. He hadn’t opened up his life to me like how I needed and deserved. He was one of the last sexual experiences I have ever had to this day.
Mr. Silver Medalist was an older guy I had met a few years before Mr. Gold Medalist. He was kind and slow and began to slowly knock down bricks that I had put up around myself. He was the type of guy you could talk to about anything and he was always there. We tried dating on and off for a while but due to age difference and where we were in life it never worked. He had a kid and I was still living with my parents.
Through all of our time talking, we became close. I told him for my 21st birthday I wanted him to be my first. But that didn’t happen. It wasn’t until we had officially broken up for good that Mr. Gold Medalist came walking into my life. The night after Mr. Gold Medalist took my virginity, I texted Mr. Silver Medalist, telling him how much I still wanted to be with him and how I was sorry and what had just happened. He was angry with me. I told him I would come home from college and we could talk about it that weekend when my family was out of town.
I never should have texted him. That night he came over, we talked and I thought it was what I wanted. I thought I wanted him to erase all the memories and make love to me like I’ve read in books. But as things got started I knew something was wrong but i froze. He became violent with me. After he was done he made me take a shower with him to wash off the evidence. Then left me on my childhood bed as he walked away and out of my life for good.
It has been a long time since that day happened but not a day goes by that I dread seeing him again and what I would do. He took my soul away after he broke down those walls.
My first experience with, Mr. Gold Medalist, was in my second semester statistics class. We were close to finishing out the semester when I got an email from him asking me to help him study. This was new to me since no one ever asked me this. It wasn’t long before I figured out it wasn’t studying. He tried to win me over first with going out and studying or doing homework together, but as quick as that happened it turned into a night in watching movies in his room. I knew it was getting close to that stage and I wasn’t completely comfortable with it.
You see I had been dating an older man on and off for a few years before that, Mr. Silver Medal, I had made many advances with him but none prevailed (you’ll hear more about him next time).
One late afternoon, we were sitting in Mr. Gold Medals room, watching a movie when he started to kiss me. I was on cloud nine, I thought this was what I wanted. I didn’t make it easy though, he almost ripped out my pants before I knew what was completely happening. He took my virginity before I even knew what was happening. I thought there was a connection there, but slowly us hanging out anywhere besides a bedroom after 10:00pm was null and void.
I pushed him for more but soon it became two weeks without contact followed by a booty call. I tried to stop it but I wasn’t strong enough yet. I wanted any source of love that I could find. He was my first, I wanted it to last. Slowly over time though i began to realize what was happening and broke it off.
Every once in a while though Mr. Gold Medalist has a way of making his presence known… that was until recently when I changed my phone number and turned off my Facebook.
Do you ever wonder how you got to the point in life where your at now? Do you look back and think, “man, what was I thinking?” These past couple of months, not that my head is clear, have got me reflecting on friendships and past relationships that have gotten me to where I am today.
Did you know that this month is National Human Trafficking awareness month? And that human trafficking can be anything from forced labor to forced sex. We also still have the “me too” movement happening in our country now. This got me thinking about sharing my past experiences of how I got here. How I trudge through the depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts that plague my mind day after day.
Over the next few weeks I want to share different stories about experiences I have had and how they have affected my life. Hopefully someone out there will find my story and realize there is hope on the other side.
We always have countdowns and stats going around in our head. We countdown until our next day off, or until our next vacation or until we hear back from the doctor on any test results.
We have statistics for sports teams we follow or things we’ve found online from diseases we may have. 1 in 5 have _____.
But what if we get news and there is no end date? Such as a relative dying, we don’t know when we will be “over” their death and move on. An incurable disease that has no end date. The common cold or flu. It’s the uncertain that really challenges us.
I realized yesterday that I’ve been divorced for a year. I told a coworker and he wasn’t sure how to respond to it, and I don’t blame him. I didn’t know how to respond. In a way it’s a great thing. A year later and I am officially done with him and no longer have any connection to him. Or so I thought.
About a week before Christmas I went in for my normal yearly at the woman doctor. I thought All was good. Yes I’ve experimented but someone like me could never have anything wrong with her like that… I found out less than a week later that I wasn’t that lucky. My routine pap came back with some abnormalities and they wanted me back in for testing. Today was that day. I had practiced my breathing techniques all week and have had almost 3 weeks to process everything. You would think that would make today less hard… it didn’t. If any of you have ever had a he follow up to an irregular pap you know the pain I felt today. None of my breathing techniques saved me from the uncomfortable and inevitable prognosis. The doctor did their best to reassure me HPV is the most common disease people have. Trust me in the moment when she was between my legs, looking at my privates amid my panic attack, it was not reassuring to hear that.
Of course in the back of my head with the questions swirling, I began to think of the statistics. The doctor informed me that women can get rid of it but men will always be carriers. The doctor also stated most men don’t know about it because they never go in for yearly checks like women do. So not only am I sitting there looking up at the ceiling thinking who could have given it to me now I am thinking how long will I have it. Will it ever go away?
I was too numb to ask questions and sat there with tears in my eyes and immense pain wondering if I could make it home in one full piece. Many people have the fight or flight instinct I am telling you the truth when mine is fly. So often we want answers but so often we are stuck in the twilight zone where words won’t come out. It’s only after the situation is over, when words start to form and questions start to arise. We too quickly jump on the web to find answers and end up in a sea of information some true and others not. We need to go back to the source and ask the questions. We need to stop looking online for answers that may or may not be true. We need to trust that what we may have done was wrong but there is hope and things could be worse. In the words of Forrest Gump, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one your gonna get.”
I was listening to the radio between Christmas and New Years and the host asked the audience, “What is your top story of 2017?” He went on to state that he got to take a trip to Australia to see his daughter. People were calling in and one even stated her’s was that she lost her job.
It got me thinking about what my top story of 2017 would be. I couldn’t think of anything that big! There were sure some highlights of the year, like I was officially divorced on the 3rd of January, I got to get to spend time with my niece and continue to mend relationships with family members, but that’s all I could think of. I really had no idea what other highlights I would have that were good. I mean yeah, I got paid from my ex husband and am officially over him and having anything to do with him. But those things don’t seem as big as what this year could have held.
Do you ever have that, when you look back at the year and can’t think of anything BIG that happened that you are overly happy about? What qualifies as Big to you? Are Milestones really that big in the grand scheme of things?
What about this years resolutions? Do you have any realistic big dreams to accomplish this year? I gave up on the loosing weight and getting healthy one. That will happen in time. I think my biggest resolution this year is to find the little things in life, the things that make me happy and to do more of those things.
Did you know, speaking of resolutions, there is a day in January known as “Ditch New Years Resolutions Day” it’s January 17th. I wonder if that means people usually make it only 17 days before they ditch their resolutions. It’s so easy to do, we always put things off until the next day or the next day and when we screw up on our resolutions we think, “Oh well, I’ll just get back on the band wagon tomorrow…” Why do we even make resolutions if they end up being broken anyway?
Do you ever feel like you aren’t good enough? Look sexy enough? Act smart enough? In our society today it’s all about looks. The skinnier you are the more attractive you look. So people strive to be super skinny and unhealthy in an act to obtain that thigh gap or those 6 pack abs.
When you go through a divorce you begin to think this as well. You begin to question your self-esteem and wonder what you did wrong in the relationship that your significant other had to cheat on you or no long loves you. But why do we turn in word to our appearances? What if it’s not about us at all? I keep reading about how Divorce is never 100% that persons fault (or your fault) it is usually 60/40, 50/50, 30/70. The marriage broke up for a reason or even multiple reasons. They may have cheated on you, but you have to look at what you did in the relationship, you may not have made them go out and cheat but you probably also didn’t lead them on in a romantic way. When was the last time you and your spouse went out on a date? An actual romantic date? Even though we get married we aren’t supposed to stop dating.
The question that I hear a lot of my friends struggle with when getting a divorce, Did I do all I could have done? I often asked that question before I kicked my ex out. I remember going on a walk with my parents one night and I was in tears wondering if I truly had done it all or was I missing something. It wasn’t long after that when I decided that I had done everything I could. I was being hurt more emotionally and psychologically then I was benefiting from the relationship. I decided then that it was over. It was only after I served him papers that he responded saying, “Let’s go to counseling”. (Mind you I had asked him for months to go to counseling and he kept stating we didn’t need it.) It was his last ditch effort to keep me as the supplier in the relationship. I knew though it wasn’t what I wanted. To come to that decision though was a very hard process. It didn’t happen overnight.
I think when we are making decision, just like when we are contemplating on buying that new car or dress, we need to really think about it. Too often we jump to the next big thing not looking at the outcome in the long run or how it will effect you in the future. We are people who focus on the present not on the future. Moving to look at the future takes a lot of time. We can’t jump from one job to another if we don’t like it. Sometimes we have to stick around until something better comes along. But then again we get back to the question of “Did I really do enough?” Sometimes we leave things to be unfinished and forget about them, other times we rush to finish and don’t do a good job.
I heard once that you know your passionate about something when you can’t forget about it. When it continues to come to mind when you have a bad day, contemplating your next move, or looking toward your future. What can’t you forget about? What is your passion? What do you want to be known as?
We can all strive to be better, even if that doesn’t look like the magazines, TV shows or celebrities. We decide what makes us better.