Do you ever have those days where someone has hurt you or done you wrong and all you want to do is tell them how you really feel? You want to get physical with them, punch them in the throat or where it hurts the most, yell at them. After you feel better for the moment. Then you don’t because it was only for you and they didn’t change. Things didn’t happen besides the word vomit that is everywhere. In dealing with divorce you really have to watch what you say and do. Anything can be used against you in court. So you write notes that will never be sent. Praying that doing so will make you feel better. But it doesn’t. You want to move on but you feel trapped.
Today was that day… the day of anxiety of complete frustration. The day where I wanted to yell at him, kick him in the balls and make him go to jail for a very long time. Today i wrote him this (but never sent it):
“You have hurt me more then you will ever know and more then anyone else I have known. You take people and use them for your own purposes and when they are no longer good use for you you leave them stranded and broken. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You have no regard for the law or responsibilities. You would rather not work a day in your life and have someone support you so you can drink and go to the races. You would think after 3 DUI’s you would have learned your lesson but drunks never learn until they kill someone or are killed. Honestly I pray for people on the road when you drive. Grow up and be a man think about others for a change. I know that is a very hard concept for you since it’s not all about you, he’ll maybe if you were a grownup and not a drunk like your uncle or what your dad used to be, you would actually have friends that were good to you and actually be your friends not back stabbing liars like you. Stop thinking the world owes you shit and start realizing how much it doesn’t revolve around you. You, (Insert ex-husbands full name), are a self-centered drunk who doesn’t give a crap about anyone but yourself.
We will never be friends or acquaintances. If I dare see you anywhere near me you better walk away. Do not talk to me anymore. What we had was over and it will never come back.”
Did that feel good? Kind of but I’m still broken, I’m still trying to move on and I’m still left in a million pieces wondering if I can make it another day.
Thoughts can be a powerful thing. They not only dictate what consumes your life they also try to consume your life. Thoughts can be simple, such as, “What am I going to wear today?” or they can be complex and destructive, such as, “Is this guy I’m seeing lying to me?” “Am I ever going to be good enough? Maybe if I lose a few pounds someone will love me.”
What happens when negative thoughts completely take over? I had that last night. My day had been pretty OK, work was boring but I was having good conversations with people. On my way home from work all of a sudden negative thought come filling my head about how ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘how life would be better if I was gone’, ‘how easy it would be to drive off the road and crash (although it wouldn’t be that effective)’, and finally about ‘what if I were to take all of my depression/anxiety pills at once’. Those thoughts were so strong, usually I can push them away, but I couldn’t yesterday. I went home and went straight to my medicine cabinet and took out all of the pills I had (some mine and some my best friends that she had given me because she no longer uses). I opened up the bottles and stared at them. I took a few out and put them in my hand, then my mouth and swallowed. I realized what I was doing and collapsed to the ground crying. I dumped the rest of the pills in the toilet and flushed.
I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I composed myself and quickly made dinner before going to a Church Bible Study. While there, I couldn’t concentrate, my head was spinning, ‘what had I just done?’ The topic of discussion was Thoughts. It hit me and I almost started balling right there in the middle of the bible study. I went home and immediately called my best friend. She helped me process what was going on.
I think it was those underlying thoughts and fears coming into play. My ex husband has been contacting me a lot lately, I originally thought I was stronger then it this time but maybe I’m not. Then there’s those thoughts in the back of my head questioning if the guy I’m casually seeing is lying to me about things or what.
Today, it’s that numb feeling with a tinge of regret. I know I’m better off alive but still sometimes I question it.
Thoughts can be very dangerous. They can also have consequences. It’s what you do with them that makes the difference.
In one of my most recent Bi-Sexual moments, I began talking to this woman I have been casually seeing for a little over a month. She stated that recently to help pay for different aspects of college she had sold her used panties online. She informed me that there’s a real market out there for used panties. Me being the very curious person, I had to look into this. Sure enough I found 3 different men on Craigslist looking for used panties. I started to dig more, because Google is a magnificent thing. Turns out there is a website where women can sell used panties, photos, escort services and more. So what do you think I did? I signed up. Sure enough in the few days I have been on this website I have gotten requests from being an Escort, to wearing panties for a day and wiping my ass with them before sending them. I have also gotten a request asking if i wore plastic boots in the country with socks and if I would be willing to sell those socks…
I have spoken to a few guy friends I have who I would consider very sexual. They all have stated that they would never do it but could see people doing it. They continued to all state that there are some weird fetishes out there. One even stated he had an ex-girlfriend who would sell photos of her feet.
I decided to give this selling used panties a try. I spoke to one of the gentlemen on Craigslist and we came up with a plan. He requested I wear panties for at least 2 days, put them in a Ziploc bag and then give them to him and he would pay me. Let me tell you wearing panties for 2 days in a row is rather interesting. Usually I just wear undergarments to work and then take them off when I get home. Sometimes I don’t even wear panties to work. So having these babies on for a full 48 hrs is proving to be quite challenging. I guess selling used panties isn’t for everyone…
You ever have it when your driving along and your following your GPS then it starts to re-calculate as you come up to a huge interchange? You don’t know if your supposed to go straight or turn off the road onto another road. We have that in life, don’t we? We think we are on the right path and then we come to an interchange. We don’t know where to go, should we keep going down the path we think we need to go down or should we instead go down this new path? What if we made the wrong decision? We never really know until we have gone through the traffic of life.
The only reason I bring this up is because, I’ve had a few of these road blocks recently. The ones where you think your going the right way but your not 100% sure. Even though I’m divorced, I still have to deal with getting payment from my ex husband. Then there’s the whole, I’m bi-sexual and no one knows it. I want to say that I’m stronger in life, people see it and say stuff about it, but some days I’m not so sure. Some days it feels like I’m wandering through a dark hallway with my hands out trying to find the escape. Sometimes there is a light other days there isn’t.
There are some days when I wonder if I am on the right path in life. I wonder if I’m really making the right decision with who I ‘date’ or causally see. I know there is one guy I want to be with but life is crazy/messy and there is no way we can be together right now. Am I trying to rush into another relationship again and is this really something I want? We talk daily and I enjoy our conversations together. But I’m also talking to other people right now. Some days I feel like I’m in this crazy web, you know the ones you made in Elementary school for stories?
Life seems so complicated sometimes. I found though you have to keep chugging along.
Have you ever been asked, “tell me about yourself?”. What have you said? Have you given a brief life story or kept it to the things relevant now?
I asked a friend that recently and he stated that he had grown up in a troubled home, his mom was an alcoholic and his dad committed suicide when he was young.
It made me think what I tell people who first meet me and ask for my story. Usually I just give them the bare bones basics about me… I’m recently divorced, have a brother and work for my family… I’ve always been taught in my field that the less I give people the harder it is for them to find me and ultimately stalk me. I actually participated in a class in college and the first assignment was to do an ice breaker with a classmate and write everything down. Then we had 1 week to find as much as we could about them online. We had to write a paper on it and present our findings. It was amazing the things people found. Working in my field I knew to keep my profile hidden as much as possible and to post as little as possible. While other people had everything viewable.
Recently I was asked to share my story with other woman who were ‘going through what I was going through’. What does that mean anyway? It’s just like walking up to someone and asking where they are from. When they give you a city where they live you state, “No like where are you from!‘ indicating that their skin color is not the same as yours or their accent is different from yours. At what point does it become invasive and disrespectful?
So what is your story? Did you grow up living on the streets barely having anything to eat each day? Did you live in a huge house and take family vacations 3 times a year? We know everyone’s story is different. We also know that not one of us is the same as another. We don’t have the same experiences, I may have gone out of the country or ‘across the sea’ while the guy next to me hasn’t left the state let alone been more than 50 miles from his home.
How do we tell our story when someone asks? Do we give the bare minimums and wait till more questions are asked before giving more details? Does it depend on who we talk to? Is my story relevant only up to 5 years back? 10 years? 2 months? There really is no great way to decide, I guess it is based on the person and circumstances.