“I’m not good enough at _____”

“I’m not good enough at _____”

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Do you ever feel like you aren’t good enough? Look sexy enough? Act smart enough? In our society today it’s all about looks. The skinnier you are the more attractive you look. So people strive to be super skinny and unhealthy in an act to obtain that thigh gap or those 6 pack abs.

When you go through a divorce you begin to think this as well. You begin to question your self-esteem and wonder what you did wrong in the relationship that your significant other had to cheat on you or no long loves you. But why do we turn in word to our appearances? What if it’s not about us at all? I keep reading about how Divorce is never 100% that persons fault (or your fault) it is usually 60/40, 50/50, 30/70. The marriage broke up for a reason or even multiple reasons. They may have cheated on you, but you have to look at what you did in the relationship, you may not have made them go out and cheat but you probably also didn’t lead them on in a romantic way. When was the last time you and your spouse went out on a date? An actual romantic date? Even though we get married we aren’t supposed to stop dating.

The question that I hear a lot of my friends struggle with when getting a divorce, Did I do all I could have done? I often asked that question before I kicked my ex out. I remember going on a walk with my parents one night and I was in tears wondering if I truly had done it all or was I missing something. It wasn’t long after that when I decided that I had done everything I could. I was being hurt more emotionally and psychologically then I was benefiting from the relationship. I decided then that it was over. It was only after I served him papers that he responded saying, “Let’s go to counseling”. (Mind you I had asked him for months to go to counseling and he kept stating we didn’t need it.) It was his last ditch effort to keep me as the supplier in the relationship. I knew though it wasn’t what I wanted. To come to that decision though was a very hard process. It didn’t happen overnight.

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I think when we are making decision, just like when we are contemplating on buying that new car or dress, we need to really think about it. Too often we jump to the next big thing not looking at the outcome in the long run or how it will effect you in the future. We are people who focus on the present not on the future. Moving to look at the future takes a lot of time. We can’t jump from one job to another if we don’t like it. Sometimes we have to stick around until something better comes along. But then again we get back to the question of “Did I really do enough?” Sometimes we leave things to be unfinished and forget about them, other times we rush to finish and don’t do a good job.

I heard once that you know your passionate about something when you can’t forget about it. When it continues to come to mind when you have a bad day, contemplating your next move, or looking toward your future. What can’t you forget about? What is your passion? What do you want to be known as?

We can all strive to be better, even if that doesn’t look like the magazines, TV shows or celebrities. We decide what makes us better.

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What defines you?

What defines you?

What defines you? Is it your job? The color of your skin? Your schooling? Where you live? Who your married to? How many children you have? Past experiences?

We all have things that have shaped us to who we are today. So I ask you, What defines you? What makes you tick? When someone introduces themselves to you and asks where your from or what you do, how do you answer that question?

A few months ago, while sitting in church with my family, my mom walked out to get coffee or something, and came back with my high school friend’s family (I have been out of high school for 10 years). They informed me that their daughter, my high school friend (whom I haven’t spoken to since Sophomore year of high school) was getting married. I informed them that it was great and to tell her I said hi. As the service got started, the band started to play and my mom turns to me, stating in a semi loud whisper, “I didn’t tell them you were divorced.” I just sat there and said, “Okay” and left it at that. After that it got me thinking how I would define myself. I know I am not defined by my broken marriage and divorce but if it is brought up in a conversation I will state that I am divorce. I won’t walk up to someone and state, “Hi, my name is ____, I’m divorced.” If someone walked up to you saying that how would you react?!? I would be shocked and say, “Okay, that’s great.” while casually thinking how can I get out of this situation the fastest…

So I ask you again, What defines you? What do you want to define you?

When you pass away, what type of legacy will you leave? Do you like how you are living or could you stand to change a little? We all can stand to change a little bit more…

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Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…

Life is always filled with decisions. We will always have forks in the pathway and will have to decide which path to choose. We wish that life was easier for us so that we didn’t have to make the wrong decisions but making the wrong decision helps us learn and grow. What happens when none of the options look good? What do you do then? Pick the one that looks less gloomy then the others?
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One decision can mean a world of difference. Maybe it’s if you should drink and drive, then end up hurting someone or yourself. Or maybe you let someone down after they asked you out for a date, what if that person was the one?

How do you make decisions? Especially the hard ones? Are you one that likes to stay away from conflict so you end up getting into situations you’d rather not be in because you didn’t say no? Or are you one who stands up for what you believe in and takes the world by the horns?

 

Just a name

Just a name

A name can be a powerful thing. Weather you’re last name is in direct correlation with some powerful figure or you are named after your late fathers’ mother. We all have a first name, middle and last name. Most likely our parents didn’t just pick a name out of thin air. There is a reason why you are named the name you are. Names are often one of the first things we learn about each other.

We all know in our lifetimes there are reason why people want to change their name, some of them include:

  1. Getting married and taking your husband or wife’s last name
  2. Disconnecting from your family heritage by changing your last name
  3. Hating your first name so you change it
  4. Running from the law or your past

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have a different name? To live a different life? Wonder what would happen if the stork dropped you off 3 doors down instead of at your parents doorstep? Where would you be now, today?

Finding Forgiveness

Finding Forgiveness

About 44 days ago I found a great resource for people going through Divorce, the organization is called DivorceCare. They will send you daily emails for a year and they also have classes you can partake in. The reason I bring this up to you is that on day 41 the topic was “Saying Good-bye to your losses”. Here is what it stated,

People in grief must learn to say good-bye to what they have lost. Saying good-bye is not a one-time experience, but there will come a day when final good-byes are said.

H. Norman Wright offers practical advice to help you say good-bye to your losses: “You have to work through your feelings—especially anger. Write a ‘non-mailed’ angry letter, and pour out your heart in it. Then sit with an empty chair placed in front of you, put the person’s name there, and read the letter out loud.

“Another idea is to write a letter of forgiveness. It might be, ‘Dear So and So, I forgive you for the way you betrayed me.’ Then write the first rebuttal that comes to mind. Keep doing this, whether it’s ten or twenty times, until you come to the place where there are no more rebuttals and you can say, ‘I forgive you for …’”

Mr. Wright continues, “It’s when the good-byes are said that you can turn the corner and move ahead.”

You may not want to say good-bye, but this is necessary at some point in your recovery process. Saying good-bye does not mean you are closing yourself off from the other person. You are saying good-bye to what you have lost, to the things of the past, and to a relationship that is over. You are experiencing closure to the grief, blame, anger, and emotions that are behind you. A new way of living is before you that may or may not include your former spouse.”

I found it very interesting to read it that day. I knew something had shifted in me and that it had been for the better. Once I read it all I emailed my mom stating, “I read this today and I think within the past two weeks I have come to this… The relinquishing my anger and feelings of betrayal.” She emailed me back stating she had seen a change in me lately and agreed.

It was like a burden on my back had been lifted and all the hate and betrayal I had for my ex had disappeared. I was done feeling that way and was ready to move on. Yes I still have to see him every week until the middle of December but I no longer have the hate that I had for him. 21423708044_6074d6638d_o

A Moment of Change

A Moment of Change

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I can’t say it’s been an entirely bad time. I have been doing a lot of evaluating of my life, my friendship and my relationships. I have backed out of my “slut phase” and into my “I’m okay with myself phase”. Trust me I’m still not 100% impressed with who I am but I’m getting there. I know one thing I really need to do at this point is get into the workout routine yet again. I have been stagnant lately due to health issues but its time to stop using them as an excuse.

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Some other things that have been going on lately. I have walked the road to forgiveness, to my ex-husband within the past few weeks. Seeing him every week makes me remember how much better I am off alone than with him. He has told me multiple times that he still loves me and is not over me but he knows I am no longer an option for him and all I want from him at this point is to be paid my $1,000 and to be done with him.

I have also started more in dept with counseling. About 2 or so months ago I had an overdose attempt and I realized that it was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to be depressed or known as the depressed divorced woman. I also started a Divorced Care group, it’s been interesting. The people are in all stages of divorce and it has been encouraging to see that I can do better and to help those who are in the midst of it. I also recently started a budgeting class, to try and help me get back on track financially. Again it has been an encouraging time for me.

When talking about relationships, I took a break from my “slut phase” a few weeks ago before my best friends wedding. There was just so much going on and I really didn’t feel like I needed that in my life. I have since had a little fun with people but I still have backed off drastically.  I am learning who my real friends are and who the ones are that just want to use me for my body or just use me in general. Which brings me to my best friend.

I have since taken a break from my best friend since she got married a few weeks ago, but the strange thing is, is I don’t think she realizes it. We haven’t talked since the day she was married and even that day we hardly talked. I didn’t realize I was the Maid of Honor until the night before the wedding. The wedding was nice but a disaster.

I feel like life is slowly trudging along on a slow upward climb. I’m finding people who I can laugh with and talk to, who aren’t clingy and who aren’t completely out of my life unless they want something from me. It’s good to feel that and to know that it’s out there. Yes some days are harder then others, like yesterday… That was the one year anniversary since I kicked my ex husband out and ultimately started the Divorce process. I have come a long way and I see that now. I realize how much better I am and how freerier I am. How closer I am to my parents and to certain friends. I look around and think, “Life is good” Yes I am not emotionally, physically or financially 100% stable but I’m still her and I still want to live my life.

So I leave you with this quote:

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Things I want to say to my ex husband…

Things I want to say to my ex husband…

Do you ever have those days where someone has hurt you or done you wrong and all you want to do is tell them how you really feel? You want to get physical with them, punch them in the throat or where it hurts the most, yell at them. After you feel better for the moment. Then you don’t because it was only for you and they didn’t change. Things didn’t happen besides the word vomit that is everywhere. In dealing with divorce you really have to watch what you say and do. Anything can be used against you in court. So you write notes that will never be sent. Praying that doing so will make you feel better. But it doesn’t. You want to move on but you feel trapped.

Today was that day… the day of anxiety of complete frustration. The day where I wanted to yell at him, kick him in the balls and make him go to jail for a very long time. Today i wrote him this (but never sent it):

“You have hurt me more then you will ever know and more then anyone else I have known. You take people and use them for your own purposes and when they are no longer good use for you you leave them stranded and broken. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You have no regard for the law or responsibilities. You would rather not work a day in your life and have someone support you so you can drink and go to the races. You would think after 3 DUI’s you would have learned your lesson but drunks never learn until they kill someone or are killed. Honestly I pray for people on the road when you drive. Grow up and be a man think about others for a change. I know that is a very hard concept for you since it’s not all about you, he’ll maybe if you were a grownup and not a drunk like your uncle or what your dad used to be, you would actually have friends that were good to you and actually be your friends not back stabbing liars like you. Stop thinking the world owes you shit and start realizing how much it doesn’t revolve around you. You, (Insert ex-husbands full name), are a self-centered drunk who doesn’t give a crap about anyone but yourself.

We will never be friends or acquaintances. If I dare see you anywhere near me you better walk away. Do not talk to me anymore. What we had was over and it will never come back.”

Did that feel good? Kind of but I’m still broken, I’m still trying to move on and I’m still left in a million pieces wondering if I can make it another day.