What defines you?

What defines you?

What defines you? Is it your job? The color of your skin? Your schooling? Where you live? Who your married to? How many children you have? Past experiences?

We all have things that have shaped us to who we are today. So I ask you, What defines you? What makes you tick? When someone introduces themselves to you and asks where your from or what you do, how do you answer that question?

A few months ago, while sitting in church with my family, my mom walked out to get coffee or something, and came back with my high school friend’s family (I have been out of high school for 10 years). They informed me that their daughter, my high school friend (whom I haven’t spoken to since Sophomore year of high school) was getting married. I informed them that it was great and to tell her I said hi. As the service got started, the band started to play and my mom turns to me, stating in a semi loud whisper, “I didn’t tell them you were divorced.” I just sat there and said, “Okay” and left it at that. After that it got me thinking how I would define myself. I know I am not defined by my broken marriage and divorce but if it is brought up in a conversation I will state that I am divorce. I won’t walk up to someone and state, “Hi, my name is ____, I’m divorced.” If someone walked up to you saying that how would you react?!? I would be shocked and say, “Okay, that’s great.” while casually thinking how can I get out of this situation the fastest…

So I ask you again, What defines you? What do you want to define you?

When you pass away, what type of legacy will you leave? Do you like how you are living or could you stand to change a little? We all can stand to change a little bit more…

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Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions…

Life is always filled with decisions. We will always have forks in the pathway and will have to decide which path to choose. We wish that life was easier for us so that we didn’t have to make the wrong decisions but making the wrong decision helps us learn and grow. What happens when none of the options look good? What do you do then? Pick the one that looks less gloomy then the others?
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One decision can mean a world of difference. Maybe it’s if you should drink and drive, then end up hurting someone or yourself. Or maybe you let someone down after they asked you out for a date, what if that person was the one?

How do you make decisions? Especially the hard ones? Are you one that likes to stay away from conflict so you end up getting into situations you’d rather not be in because you didn’t say no? Or are you one who stands up for what you believe in and takes the world by the horns?

 

Finding Forgiveness

Finding Forgiveness

About 44 days ago I found a great resource for people going through Divorce, the organization is called DivorceCare. They will send you daily emails for a year and they also have classes you can partake in. The reason I bring this up to you is that on day 41 the topic was “Saying Good-bye to your losses”. Here is what it stated,

People in grief must learn to say good-bye to what they have lost. Saying good-bye is not a one-time experience, but there will come a day when final good-byes are said.

H. Norman Wright offers practical advice to help you say good-bye to your losses: “You have to work through your feelings—especially anger. Write a ‘non-mailed’ angry letter, and pour out your heart in it. Then sit with an empty chair placed in front of you, put the person’s name there, and read the letter out loud.

“Another idea is to write a letter of forgiveness. It might be, ‘Dear So and So, I forgive you for the way you betrayed me.’ Then write the first rebuttal that comes to mind. Keep doing this, whether it’s ten or twenty times, until you come to the place where there are no more rebuttals and you can say, ‘I forgive you for …’”

Mr. Wright continues, “It’s when the good-byes are said that you can turn the corner and move ahead.”

You may not want to say good-bye, but this is necessary at some point in your recovery process. Saying good-bye does not mean you are closing yourself off from the other person. You are saying good-bye to what you have lost, to the things of the past, and to a relationship that is over. You are experiencing closure to the grief, blame, anger, and emotions that are behind you. A new way of living is before you that may or may not include your former spouse.”

I found it very interesting to read it that day. I knew something had shifted in me and that it had been for the better. Once I read it all I emailed my mom stating, “I read this today and I think within the past two weeks I have come to this… The relinquishing my anger and feelings of betrayal.” She emailed me back stating she had seen a change in me lately and agreed.

It was like a burden on my back had been lifted and all the hate and betrayal I had for my ex had disappeared. I was done feeling that way and was ready to move on. Yes I still have to see him every week until the middle of December but I no longer have the hate that I had for him. 21423708044_6074d6638d_o

A Moment of Change

A Moment of Change

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I can’t say it’s been an entirely bad time. I have been doing a lot of evaluating of my life, my friendship and my relationships. I have backed out of my “slut phase” and into my “I’m okay with myself phase”. Trust me I’m still not 100% impressed with who I am but I’m getting there. I know one thing I really need to do at this point is get into the workout routine yet again. I have been stagnant lately due to health issues but its time to stop using them as an excuse.

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Some other things that have been going on lately. I have walked the road to forgiveness, to my ex-husband within the past few weeks. Seeing him every week makes me remember how much better I am off alone than with him. He has told me multiple times that he still loves me and is not over me but he knows I am no longer an option for him and all I want from him at this point is to be paid my $1,000 and to be done with him.

I have also started more in dept with counseling. About 2 or so months ago I had an overdose attempt and I realized that it was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to be depressed or known as the depressed divorced woman. I also started a Divorced Care group, it’s been interesting. The people are in all stages of divorce and it has been encouraging to see that I can do better and to help those who are in the midst of it. I also recently started a budgeting class, to try and help me get back on track financially. Again it has been an encouraging time for me.

When talking about relationships, I took a break from my “slut phase” a few weeks ago before my best friends wedding. There was just so much going on and I really didn’t feel like I needed that in my life. I have since had a little fun with people but I still have backed off drastically.  I am learning who my real friends are and who the ones are that just want to use me for my body or just use me in general. Which brings me to my best friend.

I have since taken a break from my best friend since she got married a few weeks ago, but the strange thing is, is I don’t think she realizes it. We haven’t talked since the day she was married and even that day we hardly talked. I didn’t realize I was the Maid of Honor until the night before the wedding. The wedding was nice but a disaster.

I feel like life is slowly trudging along on a slow upward climb. I’m finding people who I can laugh with and talk to, who aren’t clingy and who aren’t completely out of my life unless they want something from me. It’s good to feel that and to know that it’s out there. Yes some days are harder then others, like yesterday… That was the one year anniversary since I kicked my ex husband out and ultimately started the Divorce process. I have come a long way and I see that now. I realize how much better I am and how freerier I am. How closer I am to my parents and to certain friends. I look around and think, “Life is good” Yes I am not emotionally, physically or financially 100% stable but I’m still her and I still want to live my life.

So I leave you with this quote:

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Thoughts

Thoughts

Thoughts can be a powerful thing. They not only dictate what consumes your life they also try to consume your life. Thoughts can be simple, such as, “What am I going to wear today?” or they can be complex and destructive, such as, “Is this guy I’m seeing lying to me?” “Am I ever going to be good enough? Maybe if I lose a few pounds someone will love me.”

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What happens when negative thoughts completely take over? I had that last night. My day had been pretty OK, work was boring but I was having good conversations with people. On my way home from work all of a sudden negative thought come filling my head about how ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘how life would be better if I was gone’, ‘how easy it would be to drive off the road and crash (although it wouldn’t be that effective)’, and finally about ‘what if I were to take all of my depression/anxiety pills at once’. Those thoughts were so strong, usually I can push them away, but I couldn’t yesterday. I went home and went straight to my medicine cabinet and took out all of the pills I had (some mine and some my best friends that she had given me because she no longer uses). I opened up the bottles and stared at them. I took a few out and put them in my hand, then my mouth and swallowed. I realized what I was doing and collapsed to the ground crying. I dumped the rest of the pills in the toilet and flushed.

I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I composed myself and quickly made dinner before going to a Church Bible Study. While there, I couldn’t concentrate, my head was spinning, ‘what had I just done?’ The topic of discussion was Thoughts. It hit me and I almost started balling right there in the middle of the bible study. I went home and immediately called my best friend. She helped me process what was going on.

I think it was those underlying thoughts and fears coming into play. My ex husband has been contacting me a lot lately, I originally thought I was stronger then it this time but maybe I’m not. Then there’s those thoughts in the back of my head questioning if the guy I’m casually seeing is lying to me about things or what.

Today, it’s that numb feeling with a tinge of regret. I know I’m better off alive but still sometimes I question it.

Thoughts can be very dangerous. They can also have consequences. It’s what you do with them that makes the difference.

Finding Love Again

Finding Love Again

I have found that after a divorce I have had a very hard time finding Love again. Of course, I have found what I want to believe what is love even when it’s not. This includes a love of food, superficial love, love of friends, etc. Love has many different forms and can mean very different things. The love I am struggling with is the love of a relationship. Yes there are certain parts of relationships that I love, the cuddling, doing fun things, being able to talk to someone. It’s the opening your heart to love someone like I did before I was married and even at the beginning of the marriage. At times you think you need to do things on your own and you don’t need a man in your life to help you. Then when you get home from work at 5:15 pm, you have to cut the grass, start laundry, feed the dog and feed yourself, you begin to think, “Maybe I do need a man to help me out.”

I tell everyone that I don’t want to be married again, that I would rather cohabitate with someone. Make it easier then living in a marriage that might be bound for failure. Even though I don’t know that. It is then and only then that I will find the guy I wasn’t looking for, in the place I wasn’t looking. Then I have that fear that it won’t last. At some point I have to open up and let someone in.

Cohabitation

This relationship I’m in now is a new kind of relationship. We are taking it very slow although we do talk about marriage. We both are in various stages of Divorce, mine being complete, his still taking place. I know he doesn’t want to scare me off. He thinks I’m great, and I think the same of him. He makes me want to be better but still gives me the space I need. Part of me questions if I can even do this again, have a good relationship and possibly get married. I know I have to try though. Try to make myself a better person and if he is still around supporting me, then I guess he is a keeper.

Navigating the Road Map of Life

Navigating the Road Map of Life

You ever have it when your driving along and your following your GPS then it starts to re-calculate as you come up to a huge interchange? You don’t know if your supposed to go straight or turn off the road onto another road. We have that in life, don’t we? We think we are on the right path and then we come to an interchange. We don’t know where to go, should we keep going down the path we think we need to go down or should we instead go down this new path? What if we made the wrong decision? We never really know until we have gone through the traffic of life.

The only reason I bring this up is because, I’ve had a few of these road blocks recently. The ones where you think your going the right way but your not 100% sure. Even though I’m divorced, I still have to deal with getting payment from my ex husband. Then there’s the whole, I’m bi-sexual and no one knows it. I want to say that I’m stronger in life, people see it and say stuff about it, but some days I’m not so sure. Some days it feels like I’m wandering through a dark hallway with my hands out trying to find the escape. Sometimes there is a light other days there isn’t.

There are some days when I wonder if I am on the right path in life. I wonder if I’m really making the right decision with who I ‘date’ or causally see. I know there is one guy I want to be with but life is crazy/messy and there is no way we can be together right now. Am I trying to rush into another relationship again and is this really something I want? We talk daily and I enjoy our conversations together. But I’m also talking to other people right now. Some days I feel like I’m in this crazy web, you know the ones you made in Elementary school for stories?

Story WebLife seems so complicated sometimes. I found though you have to keep chugging along.