Thoughts

Thoughts

Thoughts can be a powerful thing. They not only dictate what consumes your life they also try to consume your life. Thoughts can be simple, such as, “What am I going to wear today?” or they can be complex and destructive, such as, “Is this guy I’m seeing lying to me?” “Am I ever going to be good enough? Maybe if I lose a few pounds someone will love me.”

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What happens when negative thoughts completely take over? I had that last night. My day had been pretty OK, work was boring but I was having good conversations with people. On my way home from work all of a sudden negative thought come filling my head about how ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘how life would be better if I was gone’, ‘how easy it would be to drive off the road and crash (although it wouldn’t be that effective)’, and finally about ‘what if I were to take all of my depression/anxiety pills at once’. Those thoughts were so strong, usually I can push them away, but I couldn’t yesterday. I went home and went straight to my medicine cabinet and took out all of the pills I had (some mine and some my best friends that she had given me because she no longer uses). I opened up the bottles and stared at them. I took a few out and put them in my hand, then my mouth and swallowed. I realized what I was doing and collapsed to the ground crying. I dumped the rest of the pills in the toilet and flushed.

I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I composed myself and quickly made dinner before going to a Church Bible Study. While there, I couldn’t concentrate, my head was spinning, ‘what had I just done?’ The topic of discussion was Thoughts. It hit me and I almost started balling right there in the middle of the bible study. I went home and immediately called my best friend. She helped me process what was going on.

I think it was those underlying thoughts and fears coming into play. My ex husband has been contacting me a lot lately, I originally thought I was stronger then it this time but maybe I’m not. Then there’s those thoughts in the back of my head questioning if the guy I’m casually seeing is lying to me about things or what.

Today, it’s that numb feeling with a tinge of regret. I know I’m better off alive but still sometimes I question it.

Thoughts can be very dangerous. They can also have consequences. It’s what you do with them that makes the difference.

Finding Love Again

Finding Love Again

I have found that after a divorce I have had a very hard time finding Love again. Of course, I have found what I want to believe what is love even when it’s not. This includes a love of food, superficial love, love of friends, etc. Love has many different forms and can mean very different things. The love I am struggling with is the love of a relationship. Yes there are certain parts of relationships that I love, the cuddling, doing fun things, being able to talk to someone. It’s the opening your heart to love someone like I did before I was married and even at the beginning of the marriage. At times you think you need to do things on your own and you don’t need a man in your life to help you. Then when you get home from work at 5:15 pm, you have to cut the grass, start laundry, feed the dog and feed yourself, you begin to think, “Maybe I do need a man to help me out.”

I tell everyone that I don’t want to be married again, that I would rather cohabitate with someone. Make it easier then living in a marriage that might be bound for failure. Even though I don’t know that. It is then and only then that I will find the guy I wasn’t looking for, in the place I wasn’t looking. Then I have that fear that it won’t last. At some point I have to open up and let someone in.

Cohabitation

This relationship I’m in now is a new kind of relationship. We are taking it very slow although we do talk about marriage. We both are in various stages of Divorce, mine being complete, his still taking place. I know he doesn’t want to scare me off. He thinks I’m great, and I think the same of him. He makes me want to be better but still gives me the space I need. Part of me questions if I can even do this again, have a good relationship and possibly get married. I know I have to try though. Try to make myself a better person and if he is still around supporting me, then I guess he is a keeper.

Navigating the Road Map of Life

Navigating the Road Map of Life

You ever have it when your driving along and your following your GPS then it starts to re-calculate as you come up to a huge interchange? You don’t know if your supposed to go straight or turn off the road onto another road. We have that in life, don’t we? We think we are on the right path and then we come to an interchange. We don’t know where to go, should we keep going down the path we think we need to go down or should we instead go down this new path? What if we made the wrong decision? We never really know until we have gone through the traffic of life.

The only reason I bring this up is because, I’ve had a few of these road blocks recently. The ones where you think your going the right way but your not 100% sure. Even though I’m divorced, I still have to deal with getting payment from my ex husband. Then there’s the whole, I’m bi-sexual and no one knows it. I want to say that I’m stronger in life, people see it and say stuff about it, but some days I’m not so sure. Some days it feels like I’m wandering through a dark hallway with my hands out trying to find the escape. Sometimes there is a light other days there isn’t.

There are some days when I wonder if I am on the right path in life. I wonder if I’m really making the right decision with who I ‘date’ or causally see. I know there is one guy I want to be with but life is crazy/messy and there is no way we can be together right now. Am I trying to rush into another relationship again and is this really something I want? We talk daily and I enjoy our conversations together. But I’m also talking to other people right now. Some days I feel like I’m in this crazy web, you know the ones you made in Elementary school for stories?

Story WebLife seems so complicated sometimes. I found though you have to keep chugging along.

Changing of the Tides

Changing of the Tides

I came to realize recently that i have an affection for not only sex but also for both sexes. I’ve always been fascinated with females, their boobs and how they look, but I grew up in a very religion family. I was never able to express or experiment with this. Not until recently when I met a man on craigslist. We bonded immediately over our attraction to sex and sexualized behaviors. He has since decided to fulfill all of my fantasies, including going down on a female. The first time I did, it was amazing, and after that i was hooked. I knew I was bi-sexual, even if i was dating a man. Now I am stuck in a weird predicament. The man I am seeing now knows I’m bi-sexual and has a hard time understanding what I feel.

Yes I understand I was in the wrong and I shouldn’t have cheated in the first place, but I wasn’t in love with him like he is with me. I should have cut it off at that point but I kept dragging him along. Now we are here.

Love-is-Love

The worst part of it all is that I now have to tell my family or I should tell my family. It’s like coming out to the world that I’m gay even though I’m not truly gay. I love girls and guys just as much as the next person.

Living in a ‘Rape Culture’

Living in a ‘Rape Culture’

Since when is it okay to joke about rape?

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I don’t ever think it’s ok to joke about rape… I have been raped by an ex boyfriend before. I took a long time for me to finally come to terms and talk about it. It took almost 3 or more years before I told my parents. Unfortunately to this day they still don’t believe me, I told them 2 years ago…

People think that rape isn’t an issue and that when a woman or man gets raped that they are lying and actually wanted it…

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This brings me to my current main squeeze, the one that I’m trying to break away from. I have told him that I was raped by an ex before. I told him that now I am fine and it isn’t a touchy topic to me but there comes a point when it begins to become one… Last week he really wanted to have sex and wanted me to go down on him. He actually tried to force me on my knees and kept ‘bumping’ his thing into my body. He would laugh and say that we could go to dinner shortly…after I went down on him… I kept saying no and ended up walking into another room. The next morning when I woke up (he works 3rd shift), we were talking and he began to state things like ‘a woman’s place is on her knees’ and things to that extent. But he was texting it in a joking matter with smiley face emoji’s and ‘lol’s’ after. I told him no and stopped texting him. It was touchy that night as well. His roommates wife texted me asking me if we had broken up because he was being an ass. I told her no. He laid off the subject until this morning and last night when he started saying he wanted me to go down on him and that he would punish me if he I did this or did that… and then would clarify saying have sex with me if I did those things. At one point we were talking about how the Easter Bunny and Santa aren’t real and he jokingly said not to ruin his life with that and that he would stab me if I keep ruining his life (jokingly). I questioned him with his word choice and he clarified by stating he would stab me with his dick. The conversation continued by:

Me: “oh you think so do you”

Him: “Yeah are you gonna stop me”

Me: “yeah maybe I will”

Him: “Why would you , do you not love me anymore?” (crying emoji’s)

Me: I said maybe. Doesn’t mean it’s a for sure yes orrrr no

Him: “Well you don’t have a say so in rape lol ;)”

Me: “Ya better not… or there will be 0 blowjobs from now on”

 

How is rape funny?!? It’s NOT so DON’T!!!

Breakups are Hard Work!

Breakups are Hard Work!

Have you ever had to breakup with some and things just weren’t working out for you but they were ‘in love’ with you? Breakup’s in general suck but when you hate confrontation or the other person doesn’t feel the same way, breakup’s can be worse.

I’ve always heard that you should never breakup with someone via text and you should never just let it keep going when you are done. I’ve done both before. I once broke up with a guy the day after Christmas…Over text…. Then proceeded to ignore his phone calls… Only to call him back an hour later telling him to leave me alone. I’ve also had the breakup where you just don’t hear from them anymore…

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Well no worries! The Web always has articles for every life problem and wouldn’t you know I found one today on breakup’s and how to break up with someone…Thank you Buzzfeed for your infinite knowledge… Today’s article is called, “How To Dump Someone (Like An Actual Adult)“:

1. Don’t stall.

“You don’t need permission or a ‘good enough’ reason to break up with someone,” Harris O’Malley, who writes Paging Dr. NerdLove, tells BuzzFeed Life. “There will always be a reason it’s a ‘bad time’ to break up. There’s always a birthday or a holiday coming up. Once you’ve reached this point, it’s best to get it over with so you can both move on.”

2. Talk to the other person’s best self.

“Plan to talk to the best self that you know is in there, even if their worst self is all you can see at the moment,” Dana Caspersen, conflict specialist and author of Changing the Conversation: The 17 Principles of Conflict Resolution, tells BuzzFeed Life. “People tend to step up or step down to the level on which we engage them.”

3. Do it privately, and in person if possible.

“If you’re in a long-term relationship, your partner deserves the respect of being broken up with face to face,” O’Malley says. But if you struggle to stand up to your partner or organize your thoughts, he says, you may want to do it via phone or email.

Also, do it in private, at a time when you won’t be interrupted. If you do it in public, “you’re not just hurting them, you’re humiliating them,” O’Malley says.

4. Actually use the words “break up.”

“The dawning realization that you’re being dumped really hurts,” O’Malley says. “It almost feels like an insult in a way.” So say, “I think we should break up” or “I’m breaking up with you” at the beginning of the conversation.

5. Don’t blame them.

“Blame is about punishment, not about information and forward motion,” Caspersen says. “Don’t talk about what you think the other person did wrong in the relationship or negatively evaluate their personality. This wrongly puts the responsibility for your decision to break up onto the other person.”

6. Listen without making suggestions.

“Listening is about their point of view; suggestions are about your point of view,” Caspersen says. “Give the person the respect of focusing on their point of view, and then you can move on.”

And O’Malley recommends using “I” statements like “this isn’t working for me.” If you make it about their behavior, they may start offering ways they can change.

7. Accept that they may say hurtful things to you.

“People in breakups often react badly, expressing their anger and sorrow in an attack-style form of communication,” Caspersen says. “Be prepared for this and focus your attention on what the other person is really trying to say, even if they are saying it very badly. Let them know that you heard them, even when you disagree.”

O’Malley agrees. “Let them have their reaction,” he says. “Be willing to sit there and take it. They will call you names. Don’t call them irrational or tell them to calm down. Take it quietly.”

The one exception? If he or she becomes violent. Then, O’Malley says, “get the hell out.”

8. Be honest if you’re leaving them for someone else.

“I think it’s worth mentioning it because when they do see you with someone else, the shock is that much worse,” O’Malley says. “Be honest but politic about it.”

9. Be short, swift, and direct.

“Avoid a preamble,” O’Malley says. “Rip off the Band-Aid.”

10. Don’t detail the breakup on social media.

“Venting should be done privately to your friends in person,” O’Malley says, adding that even if you think your ex won’t see your Facebook post, they probably will. “A Facebook status change is inevitable, but when people ask, say, ‘It wasn’t working and we had to break up.'” He stresses that the kindest thing you can do is leave your ex their dignity.

 

 

Admitting Defeat

Admitting Defeat

Do you ever hate admitting defeat? I’m talking about when you think you did nothing wrong and yet here you are standing before the person saying, “I’m sorry.” Most people don’t even say I’m sorry after they have done something wrong. They like to sweep it under the rug and not deal with the problem. It’s the elephant in the room no one likes to talk about…

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At some point that elephant is going to get bigger and bigger until you can no longer just ‘sweep it under the rug’. Soon things get intense to the point where a HUGE fight ensues and in the end someone gets hurt… Or you both do… It’s that kind of fight where you or the person your fighting with starts to bring up things you/they thought were over yet here you/they are bringing it up again. Half the stuff brought up you don’t even remember. Some of it is meaningless other points are huge points. Some of it is hurtful and brings back memories you’d rather not have.

I think the worst is when someone brings up a traumatic event of your life and tries to use it against you. My ex did that a lot when we would fight. He would always seem to sneak in the fact that I was raped. Using it against me and expecting me to back away or run away like a lost puppy. When this first started happening I would run away and lick my wounds but then as time went on I began to fight back. He didn’t like that, he wanted me to be weak so he could have the upper hand and continue to use me for everything I had. Even now, after we have been divorced for almost 4 months, he still tries to play mind games with me. Wanting to get into my head, using things against me to try and con me into believing any lie coming out of his mouth.

So what happens when we admit defeat? Everyone deals with it differently. Some try to get revenge in non-conventional ways, secretly plotting to get our revenge at the right time. Some brush it off like nothing happened. Others confront the person and say “I’m sorry” and try to mend bridges. I’m the one who runs away and hides while I lick my wounds.