A Moment of Change

A Moment of Change

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I can’t say it’s been an entirely bad time. I have been doing a lot of evaluating of my life, my friendship and my relationships. I have backed out of my “slut phase” and into my “I’m okay with myself phase”. Trust me I’m still not 100% impressed with who I am but I’m getting there. I know one thing I really need to do at this point is get into the workout routine yet again. I have been stagnant lately due to health issues but its time to stop using them as an excuse.

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Some other things that have been going on lately. I have walked the road to forgiveness, to my ex-husband within the past few weeks. Seeing him every week makes me remember how much better I am off alone than with him. He has told me multiple times that he still loves me and is not over me but he knows I am no longer an option for him and all I want from him at this point is to be paid my $1,000 and to be done with him.

I have also started more in dept with counseling. About 2 or so months ago I had an overdose attempt and I realized that it was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to be depressed or known as the depressed divorced woman. I also started a Divorced Care group, it’s been interesting. The people are in all stages of divorce and it has been encouraging to see that I can do better and to help those who are in the midst of it. I also recently started a budgeting class, to try and help me get back on track financially. Again it has been an encouraging time for me.

When talking about relationships, I took a break from my “slut phase” a few weeks ago before my best friends wedding. There was just so much going on and I really didn’t feel like I needed that in my life. I have since had a little fun with people but I still have backed off drastically.  I am learning who my real friends are and who the ones are that just want to use me for my body or just use me in general. Which brings me to my best friend.

I have since taken a break from my best friend since she got married a few weeks ago, but the strange thing is, is I don’t think she realizes it. We haven’t talked since the day she was married and even that day we hardly talked. I didn’t realize I was the Maid of Honor until the night before the wedding. The wedding was nice but a disaster.

I feel like life is slowly trudging along on a slow upward climb. I’m finding people who I can laugh with and talk to, who aren’t clingy and who aren’t completely out of my life unless they want something from me. It’s good to feel that and to know that it’s out there. Yes some days are harder then others, like yesterday… That was the one year anniversary since I kicked my ex husband out and ultimately started the Divorce process. I have come a long way and I see that now. I realize how much better I am and how freerier I am. How closer I am to my parents and to certain friends. I look around and think, “Life is good” Yes I am not emotionally, physically or financially 100% stable but I’m still her and I still want to live my life.

So I leave you with this quote:

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Fighting the After Effects of a Suicide Attempt

Fighting the After Effects of a Suicide Attempt

Alright so lets talk real here for a minute (like I haven’t been all along…psh). After someone tries to attempt suicide there is a ripple effect. The effect on yourself, on your job, on your relationships, etc.

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Yourself

Lets first talk about the after effects on yourself. Depending on what you tried to do, there could be a Psych evaluation, hospital stay, for sure counseling and for sure a trip to your doctor (whoever it may be) to evaluate your meds.

After all of that is completed there’s people constantly checking on you and in your business. Asking if you’re alright and if you want to talk about it. You also have those people who judge you and think that the attempt to kill yourself was just a cry for attention.

What you really want is for everyone to leave you alone and go lay in bed for days on end. But life doesn’t work that way. You have a job, you have a life, you may be married, you may have kids or pets. They won’t let you lay in bed wallowing in pain and self pitty, unless you don’t want any of those things. It sucks but you have to get right back at life and try and be a version of yourself that is healthy and mentally sound.

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Job

God does everyone hate working. We live in a society where people love to be at home and not have to work BUT still can make money. I will admit I am one of them.

They may give you a day off after the incident or if you end up on a Psych ward they will have to give you the day off. You would go through all of your savings and vacation yet still not working. When you are finally back to work people will again constantly ask you if you are okay and you will forever have that label on your back stating, “This person tried to commit suicide”.

We all need a source of income so we know that staying in bed is not an option for us wanting to survive. So we drag ourselves out of bed, grab some coffee, try to put on our best self and head into work. We are often late and stick to ourselves. We become anti-social and fear other people are judging us.

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Relationships

I feel like the relationships after suicide are the things that are most effected and usually not in a good way. Again people are always around ensuring you are okay and making you talk about your feelings. They will baby you and judge you at the same time. At some point they will begin to see that you are okay to their standards and then they will back away.

We as the people who have attempted suicide, we will begin to put that face back on and mask our emotions so people will back away. Yet we won’t really work it out completely. The thought of suicide will always be with us no matter what. We will also be planning our next attempt in the back of our mind. We may never act on it but the thought is always there.

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Suicide should never be an option yet some people don’t think about how it will effect others they just think about ending their life to end the pain.

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Thoughts

Thoughts

Thoughts can be a powerful thing. They not only dictate what consumes your life they also try to consume your life. Thoughts can be simple, such as, “What am I going to wear today?” or they can be complex and destructive, such as, “Is this guy I’m seeing lying to me?” “Am I ever going to be good enough? Maybe if I lose a few pounds someone will love me.”

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What happens when negative thoughts completely take over? I had that last night. My day had been pretty OK, work was boring but I was having good conversations with people. On my way home from work all of a sudden negative thought come filling my head about how ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘how life would be better if I was gone’, ‘how easy it would be to drive off the road and crash (although it wouldn’t be that effective)’, and finally about ‘what if I were to take all of my depression/anxiety pills at once’. Those thoughts were so strong, usually I can push them away, but I couldn’t yesterday. I went home and went straight to my medicine cabinet and took out all of the pills I had (some mine and some my best friends that she had given me because she no longer uses). I opened up the bottles and stared at them. I took a few out and put them in my hand, then my mouth and swallowed. I realized what I was doing and collapsed to the ground crying. I dumped the rest of the pills in the toilet and flushed.

I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I composed myself and quickly made dinner before going to a Church Bible Study. While there, I couldn’t concentrate, my head was spinning, ‘what had I just done?’ The topic of discussion was Thoughts. It hit me and I almost started balling right there in the middle of the bible study. I went home and immediately called my best friend. She helped me process what was going on.

I think it was those underlying thoughts and fears coming into play. My ex husband has been contacting me a lot lately, I originally thought I was stronger then it this time but maybe I’m not. Then there’s those thoughts in the back of my head questioning if the guy I’m casually seeing is lying to me about things or what.

Today, it’s that numb feeling with a tinge of regret. I know I’m better off alive but still sometimes I question it.

Thoughts can be very dangerous. They can also have consequences. It’s what you do with them that makes the difference.

Being an outcast in your own family

Being an outcast in your own family

You ever realize when your an outcast that you are judged so much harder in your family more then any one else? You get judged, ridiculed and isolated from them all. The small jabs here and there about things you can’t control, about mistakes you can’t change. After a while you begin to think of yourself as being a horrible person, even though you have learned from your mistakes and have moved on. They don’t see it though, all they see is the screwed up you. Nothing you do will change their view of you, so you realize you have two options: 1) conform to who they want you to be, and be miserable orrr 2) you say screw it and just be yourself and ignore your family. It’s really all up to you on how you view yourself and not how your family views you.

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Mental Illness – DSM V

Mental Illness – DSM V

Everyone has heard of the dreaded phrase “Mental Illness” usually it is diagnosed by a doctor or psychiatrist using the DSM IV or V. Mental Illness can range from:

The DSM-IV-TR (Text Revision, 2000) consists of five axes (domains) on which disorder can be assessed. The five axes are:

Axis I: Clinical Disorders (all mental disorders except Personality Disorders and Mental Retardation)
Axis II: Personality Disorders and Mental Retardation
Axis III: General Medical Conditions (must be connected to a Mental Disorder)
Axis IV: Psychosocial and Environmental Problems (for example limited social support network)
Axis V: Global Assessment of Functioning (Psychological, social and job-related functions are evaluated on a continuum between mental health and extreme mental disorder)
       *Wikipedia’s article on Classification of mental disorders (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classification_of_mental_disorders)

 

I took 2 classes of a Psychology class in College. I didn’t even last the whole semester because I saw how big the DSM IV was. We all know Mental Illness can affect people’s lives in ways you may not know about.

I recently read an article on Anxiety called, “11 Things People Don’t Realize You Are Doing Because Of Your Anxiety” and what people don’t realize it feels like. This hit home for me because I deal a lot with anxiety and I am currently on medication for it. I wanted to share this article because I thought it would be a great resource for people out there. Anxiety isn’t just a fake disorder. It can be real. Trust me I have anxiety about starting a new relationship.

So next time you think mental disorder’s isn’t a thing, think again. Don’t judge someone or push them if you know they are apprehensive about doing something. It only makes things worse…

Article:

1. Decline invites even when you really want to go.

Sometimes, anxiety can be so debilitating, that you can’t muster enough energy to go out. No matter how excited you were for the event beforehand, when the day actually comes and your anxiety is in full force, you say no. You don’t want to be a burden to anyone if you were to go, so the best choice for you is to not attend.

2. Obsess over things people normally would never think about twice.

You obsess over everything in your head. Most likely, the things you obsess about would never cross someone’s mind who doesn’t have anxiety. Maybe you obsess over a conversation you had last week, or the way your boss looked at you the other day. Maybe you obsess over the fact that your boyfriend hasn’t texted you in a day, and you worry if you said anything to upset him. Whatever it may be, it’s hard for people without anxiety to understand why you are so caught up in things that wouldn’t even matter to them.

3. Wake up early in the morning even when you’re tired.

Sleep is always an issue for you. It’s hard for you to get to sleep because you have so many things to digest and contemplate about the day you just had. Because your mind never seems to shut off, you never fail to wake up early with worries that have already entered your mind. You tend to wake up super early sometimes because you need to get going, and get everything done in a timely manner. Sleeping in is definitely a challenge for you because you can’t switch off your anxiety once you are already awake.

4. You constantly fear the worst scenario in every situation.

Before first dates, you are convinced it’s going to go terribly wrong. Before going on a trip, you envision everything falling apart. Before going on a road trip, you fear accidents. When you get sick, you get terrified that there’s something truly wrong with you. The list goes on and on, and it seems silly to others. But for you? It’s real fears. It’s real to you.

5. You replay conversations over and over in your head.

You try to avoid confrontation at all costs, because it causes your anxiety to get worse. When you have an argument or even a conversation that seems lovely to the other person, you continue to think about it after it’s said and done. You can never get it out of your head and you always think you said something wrong. It can really eat you up inside, and you always have to remind yourself that it’s just your anxiety talking, and everything is most likely fine.

6. You become more worried for yourself when people voice concern for you.

When people ask you if you are ok when you are having an anxiety attack, or when people come to you when you are way over your head with negative thoughts, it makes your anxiety worse. Of course they all mean well, but when others worry for you, it makes you think – “If they are worried, then I should worry even more about myself!”

7. You think it’s your fault when someone doesn’t reply right away.

Whether it’s your significant other, your best friend, or sister, you constantly get worked up when people don’t respond to you. People without anxiety would usually not pay it any mind, but for you it’s a huge deal. Usually when people don’t answer you or text you back, you think that it’s all of your fault. You always think that you did something wrong, when most likely, they are just terrible at communication.

8. You sometimes feel like you are having a breakdown every few days, when mention of the future is brought up.

The future is a huge trigger for you. You hate when people ask you what your plans are for the next five years, and it will cause you to retreat. Graduating from high school and college for most people is very exciting, but for you it can be incredibly daunting and scary. You hate when people talk about their own future because it makes you feel like you aren’t good enough.

9. You constantly compare your success to other people who are the same age as you.

You constantly see on Facebook that people your own age are getting their dream jobs, and it makes your head want to explode. You don’t want to compare yourself to others, but sometimes your anxiety gets the best of you and you can’t help it. You worry if you are ever going to measure up to them, and if your goals are ever going to come true.

10. You replay every mistake you make, and always beat yourself up over it.

Especially if you make a mistake at work, it can consume your thoughts and can ruin your day, or even week. You constantly strive to do the best that you can do, but when you accidentally send something that you shouldn’t, or when you do something you weren’t supposed to do in the office, you can get really down on yourself. Anxiety can truly be your worst enemy.

11. On some days you are too physically and mentally exhausted to get out of bed.

Some days, your anxiety can be so strong, that you truly feel unable to do anything but lie in bed and cry. At times, the world can be way too much for your mind to handle, and you’ll need to take a few days off and rest your mind and tired body. Anxiety can have a huge effect on our health, and it is not something to brush off to the side. It can be truly harmful, and a lot of people don’t understand the effects it can have on an individual.

(http://beautifulearticles.com/index.php/2017/01/08/11-things-people-dont-realize-you-are-doing-because-of-your-anxiety/)