A Moment of Change

A Moment of Change

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I can’t say it’s been an entirely bad time. I have been doing a lot of evaluating of my life, my friendship and my relationships. I have backed out of my “slut phase” and into my “I’m okay with myself phase”. Trust me I’m still not 100% impressed with who I am but I’m getting there. I know one thing I really need to do at this point is get into the workout routine yet again. I have been stagnant lately due to health issues but its time to stop using them as an excuse.

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Some other things that have been going on lately. I have walked the road to forgiveness, to my ex-husband within the past few weeks. Seeing him every week makes me remember how much better I am off alone than with him. He has told me multiple times that he still loves me and is not over me but he knows I am no longer an option for him and all I want from him at this point is to be paid my $1,000 and to be done with him.

I have also started more in dept with counseling. About 2 or so months ago I had an overdose attempt and I realized that it was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to be depressed or known as the depressed divorced woman. I also started a Divorced Care group, it’s been interesting. The people are in all stages of divorce and it has been encouraging to see that I can do better and to help those who are in the midst of it. I also recently started a budgeting class, to try and help me get back on track financially. Again it has been an encouraging time for me.

When talking about relationships, I took a break from my “slut phase” a few weeks ago before my best friends wedding. There was just so much going on and I really didn’t feel like I needed that in my life. I have since had a little fun with people but I still have backed off drastically.  I am learning who my real friends are and who the ones are that just want to use me for my body or just use me in general. Which brings me to my best friend.

I have since taken a break from my best friend since she got married a few weeks ago, but the strange thing is, is I don’t think she realizes it. We haven’t talked since the day she was married and even that day we hardly talked. I didn’t realize I was the Maid of Honor until the night before the wedding. The wedding was nice but a disaster.

I feel like life is slowly trudging along on a slow upward climb. I’m finding people who I can laugh with and talk to, who aren’t clingy and who aren’t completely out of my life unless they want something from me. It’s good to feel that and to know that it’s out there. Yes some days are harder then others, like yesterday… That was the one year anniversary since I kicked my ex husband out and ultimately started the Divorce process. I have come a long way and I see that now. I realize how much better I am and how freerier I am. How closer I am to my parents and to certain friends. I look around and think, “Life is good” Yes I am not emotionally, physically or financially 100% stable but I’m still her and I still want to live my life.

So I leave you with this quote:

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Being an outcast in your own family

Being an outcast in your own family

You ever realize when your an outcast that you are judged so much harder in your family more then any one else? You get judged, ridiculed and isolated from them all. The small jabs here and there about things you can’t control, about mistakes you can’t change. After a while you begin to think of yourself as being a horrible person, even though you have learned from your mistakes and have moved on. They don’t see it though, all they see is the screwed up you. Nothing you do will change their view of you, so you realize you have two options: 1) conform to who they want you to be, and be miserable orrr 2) you say screw it and just be yourself and ignore your family. It’s really all up to you on how you view yourself and not how your family views you.

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Moving on – Anxiety Rules

Moving on – Anxiety Rules

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So I read this article this weekend posted on a Facebook page. It deals with how to date a person with Anxiety. It struck home for me as I have severe anxiety and depression lately due to things happening with my Divorce and life in general. When I read it I thought, “man the guy I’m seeing really needs to read this!” I found he likes to push me, and not in ways I enjoy to be pushed. He wants to see me all the time, have sex constantly and is very hard headed. When I read this article it re-affirmed for me that I need to move onto greener pastures. Someone who understands my anxiety and doesn’t think it’s a head problem that can just go away…his words, not mine… I wanted to share the article on here as a reminder:

How an Anxious Person wants to be loved

They want you to understand their “personal days. 

They love spending time with you, they really do. It’s just that they need time alone to gather their racing thoughts.

Anxiety can be debilitating to the point where you really have to take care of yourself, even more so than others. So don’t feel insecure when they say they’d like to be alone. It’s not you, it really is them.

They want to make sure they’re alright, so they can be alright around you.

They want you to support them, not discipline them.

When you watch them break down and succumb to that anxiety attack, it can be so easy to give them advice on what they can do to get better.

Resist that temptation because it’s important to them that you know you’re their lover, not their therapist.

In that moment when their heart is pounding, chest is pain, and their lungs are hot and tight, they don’t want to talk, they want to be held. Nothing is more relaxing than your comfort.

Let them worry about you.

Don’t tell them to stop worrying about you, instead reassure them that you’ll be fine.

It’s tempting to tell them not to worry about you, but honestly, there’s no point. Worrying about you is one of the many ways they show their love because they care about you and they don’t want anything bad to happen to you.

But alas, anxious thoughts won’t let them go. You cough and for them, that means cancer. You come a few minutes late, and to them, that means you almost got hit by a bus. They know it’s irrational but they really can’t help it.

Love them gently.

Take your time loving them because they really love you. They may not show it, but they do. The thing is they’re fighting to take their lives back from anxiety. They’re healing from all the pain it’s caused.

Be gentle when you hug them because they’re fragile even when they’re strong.

By Marie Cyprien for PuckerMob

Brokenness… A moment of Weakness

Christmas is a time for family and a time to be together. But driving up north Christmas Eve after going to Church with my family, I had a moment of weakness. I began to breakdown and wonder where I went wrong? Was it me who made the mistake? Should I have even filed for Divorce?

I know all those thoughts going through my head were just doubts that I know weren’t true but in the moment of weakness I wanted to believe it. I wanted to be happy and spend Christmas with my new husband not counting down the days until my divorce is final.

Not to mention Christmas day having to cater my whole Christmas around my brother, his wife and their child. As if my life and feelings don’t matter. My brother who still isn’t 50% ok with me right now kept pushing me off when questions were asked and things were brought up.

Christmas is a time to be with family… Even a dysfunctional family… Not to be arguing and feeling like you don’t belong…

The holiday’s

The holiday’s

The holiday’s are supposed to be a fun time with your family. Where you all get together and hang out, eat food and talk. Sometimes there is even presents involved. This is how they are supposed to be… But for a recently soon-to-be divorced woman, they are the opposite. I find myself lacking cheer and being very irritated around family members. Any one thing could set me off. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family but seriously if my grandma says one more negative comment I just might snap. (That’s how it’s been the last couple of years).

Being a recently single woman I find the holiday’s hard. I’m supposed to be happy and deciding with my husband where we go for Thanksgiving or who’s party we go to and what gifts we will get each other. Now I am stuck being the tag along to all of my friends Christmas parties or just not going. Then I sit in the corner at family gatherings, being the soft, shut off person in the corner who is secretly plotting the fastest way out of there.

Most of the time I’m at home about an hour before the gathering thinking of excuses on why I can’t go there. I probably have used the “I’m sick” excuse one too many times. I don’t only do this with family around the holidays I find myself doing it with friends and potential guys. I don’t want to go out and have fun I’d rather self loath in my bed eating junk food and watching sappy movies. Can I get an amen!?!

The thought of going to yet another party or going out yet again with that friend sounds daunting. Why would I want to get dressed, travel through the snow (also a great excuse right now), waste gas and money I don’t have just to sit with them and hear about how great their life is right now. Only for them to realize half way through their amazing vacation story with their significant other they stop and look at me with said eyes and say “oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.” Forgot what? That I’m going through a rough time and am currently going through the worst event in my life. Yeah thanks for reminding me yet again! Instead I say, “Oh, I’m fine. Go on with your story, it sounds like so much fun!” and plaster a smile on my face.

People always want to talk to you at the parties to see how you are doing and to make sure you don’t feel left out. They want to know if anything is new and if you have moved on. When really you just want to be left alone in your little corner with a glass of wine, beer or alcohol in your hand. Oh the joy of the holidays.  772ee2c03a60a63627d2ddf7e8abd2cf