It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I can’t say it’s been an entirely bad time. I have been doing a lot of evaluating of my life, my friendship and my relationships. I have backed out of my “slut phase” and into my “I’m okay with myself phase”. Trust me I’m still not 100% impressed with who I am but I’m getting there. I know one thing I really need to do at this point is get into the workout routine yet again. I have been stagnant lately due to health issues but its time to stop using them as an excuse.
Some other things that have been going on lately. I have walked the road to forgiveness, to my ex-husband within the past few weeks. Seeing him every week makes me remember how much better I am off alone than with him. He has told me multiple times that he still loves me and is not over me but he knows I am no longer an option for him and all I want from him at this point is to be paid my $1,000 and to be done with him.
I have also started more in dept with counseling. About 2 or so months ago I had an overdose attempt and I realized that it was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to be depressed or known as the depressed divorced woman. I also started a Divorced Care group, it’s been interesting. The people are in all stages of divorce and it has been encouraging to see that I can do better and to help those who are in the midst of it. I also recently started a budgeting class, to try and help me get back on track financially. Again it has been an encouraging time for me.
When talking about relationships, I took a break from my “slut phase” a few weeks ago before my best friends wedding. There was just so much going on and I really didn’t feel like I needed that in my life. I have since had a little fun with people but I still have backed off drastically. I am learning who my real friends are and who the ones are that just want to use me for my body or just use me in general. Which brings me to my best friend.
I have since taken a break from my best friend since she got married a few weeks ago, but the strange thing is, is I don’t think she realizes it. We haven’t talked since the day she was married and even that day we hardly talked. I didn’t realize I was the Maid of Honor until the night before the wedding. The wedding was nice but a disaster.
I feel like life is slowly trudging along on a slow upward climb. I’m finding people who I can laugh with and talk to, who aren’t clingy and who aren’t completely out of my life unless they want something from me. It’s good to feel that and to know that it’s out there. Yes some days are harder then others, like yesterday… That was the one year anniversary since I kicked my ex husband out and ultimately started the Divorce process. I have come a long way and I see that now. I realize how much better I am and how freerier I am. How closer I am to my parents and to certain friends. I look around and think, “Life is good” Yes I am not emotionally, physically or financially 100% stable but I’m still her and I still want to live my life.
So I leave you with this quote:
Do you ever have those days where someone has hurt you or done you wrong and all you want to do is tell them how you really feel? You want to get physical with them, punch them in the throat or where it hurts the most, yell at them. After you feel better for the moment. Then you don’t because it was only for you and they didn’t change. Things didn’t happen besides the word vomit that is everywhere. In dealing with divorce you really have to watch what you say and do. Anything can be used against you in court. So you write notes that will never be sent. Praying that doing so will make you feel better. But it doesn’t. You want to move on but you feel trapped.
Today was that day… the day of anxiety of complete frustration. The day where I wanted to yell at him, kick him in the balls and make him go to jail for a very long time. Today i wrote him this (but never sent it):
“You have hurt me more then you will ever know and more then anyone else I have known. You take people and use them for your own purposes and when they are no longer good use for you you leave them stranded and broken. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You have no regard for the law or responsibilities. You would rather not work a day in your life and have someone support you so you can drink and go to the races. You would think after 3 DUI’s you would have learned your lesson but drunks never learn until they kill someone or are killed. Honestly I pray for people on the road when you drive. Grow up and be a man think about others for a change. I know that is a very hard concept for you since it’s not all about you, he’ll maybe if you were a grownup and not a drunk like your uncle or what your dad used to be, you would actually have friends that were good to you and actually be your friends not back stabbing liars like you. Stop thinking the world owes you shit and start realizing how much it doesn’t revolve around you. You, (Insert ex-husbands full name), are a self-centered drunk who doesn’t give a crap about anyone but yourself.
We will never be friends or acquaintances. If I dare see you anywhere near me you better walk away. Do not talk to me anymore. What we had was over and it will never come back.”
Did that feel good? Kind of but I’m still broken, I’m still trying to move on and I’m still left in a million pieces wondering if I can make it another day.
I have found that after a divorce I have had a very hard time finding Love again. Of course, I have found what I want to believe what is love even when it’s not. This includes a love of food, superficial love, love of friends, etc. Love has many different forms and can mean very different things. The love I am struggling with is the love of a relationship. Yes there are certain parts of relationships that I love, the cuddling, doing fun things, being able to talk to someone. It’s the opening your heart to love someone like I did before I was married and even at the beginning of the marriage. At times you think you need to do things on your own and you don’t need a man in your life to help you. Then when you get home from work at 5:15 pm, you have to cut the grass, start laundry, feed the dog and feed yourself, you begin to think, “Maybe I do need a man to help me out.”
I tell everyone that I don’t want to be married again, that I would rather cohabitate with someone. Make it easier then living in a marriage that might be bound for failure. Even though I don’t know that. It is then and only then that I will find the guy I wasn’t looking for, in the place I wasn’t looking. Then I have that fear that it won’t last. At some point I have to open up and let someone in.
This relationship I’m in now is a new kind of relationship. We are taking it very slow although we do talk about marriage. We both are in various stages of Divorce, mine being complete, his still taking place. I know he doesn’t want to scare me off. He thinks I’m great, and I think the same of him. He makes me want to be better but still gives me the space I need. Part of me questions if I can even do this again, have a good relationship and possibly get married. I know I have to try though. Try to make myself a better person and if he is still around supporting me, then I guess he is a keeper.
You ever have it when your driving along and your following your GPS then it starts to re-calculate as you come up to a huge interchange? You don’t know if your supposed to go straight or turn off the road onto another road. We have that in life, don’t we? We think we are on the right path and then we come to an interchange. We don’t know where to go, should we keep going down the path we think we need to go down or should we instead go down this new path? What if we made the wrong decision? We never really know until we have gone through the traffic of life.
The only reason I bring this up is because, I’ve had a few of these road blocks recently. The ones where you think your going the right way but your not 100% sure. Even though I’m divorced, I still have to deal with getting payment from my ex husband. Then there’s the whole, I’m bi-sexual and no one knows it. I want to say that I’m stronger in life, people see it and say stuff about it, but some days I’m not so sure. Some days it feels like I’m wandering through a dark hallway with my hands out trying to find the escape. Sometimes there is a light other days there isn’t.
There are some days when I wonder if I am on the right path in life. I wonder if I’m really making the right decision with who I ‘date’ or causally see. I know there is one guy I want to be with but life is crazy/messy and there is no way we can be together right now. Am I trying to rush into another relationship again and is this really something I want? We talk daily and I enjoy our conversations together. But I’m also talking to other people right now. Some days I feel like I’m in this crazy web, you know the ones you made in Elementary school for stories?
Life seems so complicated sometimes. I found though you have to keep chugging along.
So why do you stick in a relationship you know isn’t going anywhere yet don’t want to give it up? For me the reason I’m sticking around is because of the sex. It’s amazing and happens a lot. Unfortunately that’s the only reason I’m still in the relationship. It’s not that we have a connection, we do have a connection it’s just not a strong connection not one I see going anywhere. But the sex is amazing.
At some point though you have to decide when to get out and when things aren’t going to workout anymore. It has to be soon right? I need to get out of this but I also need to have my needs met. It’s a toss up between sticking around or moving on and sticking the landing.
Today was the day for my final divorce hearing. It’s been a rough road getting to this point. From marrying the man I thought I knew in June, to finding out he cheated on me and had hard proof to kicking him out and filing for divorce in September. To now, the ending in this chapter of my story. Let me say this morning was a rough morning as well. I couldn’t sleep last night and kept waking up. I used snapchat this morning to send photos to my friends of what outfit I should wear to court then went to breakfast with my amazing mom. Half way through breakfast I started to fidget and the fidgeting only got worse when we should up to the court house. I became very anxious when he stepped into the court room and sat down on the other side. We didn’t say a word to each other, no hello’s or how are you’s. I just spoke to my mom like he wasn’t there. She quietly whispered to me to calm down and take deep breaths.
We sat in front of the Judge and he asked us who we were. He asked my ex if he had received the proposed judgement and agreed to it. My ex said yes. Then the Judge asked me to the stand. *Now working in child welfare for almost 2 years. Being on the stand didn’t bother me at all. The best part is I knew the Judge from many proceedings in the past.* He asked me some questions and then asked why I thought this marriage couldn’t be saved. I informed him that I believed my ex had cheated on me and although I didn’t have all proof I had enough. I also told the Judge there was a difference of opinion on multiple things including work and money. It surprised my that my ex didn’t start yelling at me. The Judge entered in the order and agreed with the terms. He told my ex that he could stay for the paperwork if he wanted to or he could leave. He left.
What baffles me and somewhat surprises me is that he doesn’t have his license so how did he get there? Hell I don’t even know what car he drives anymore…
I called my attorney, who helped with everything, shortly after leaving the court and informed her that it was finished. Then stated that in a year we probably would have to be back at it filing a motion for him to pay me the money he owes me. I really don’t think he is going to pay me and honestly at this point I’m not doing it for the money. I’m doing it to make him accountable for his actions. Hell I don’t care if I never see a dime from him. He needs to be accountable for what he did. He cannot get away or out of this with new racing gear, that he sold, so many truck parts, which he sold, and his court fines paid off. That isn’t how life works buddy.
I feel somewhat relieved but also a little sad. It’s the end of what I thought was love. My cousin asked me a few days ago if I ever would get married again. I considered it for a few minutes and then said no. I might consider it down the road but for right now I have no intentions of getting married or having children. The 4 legged kind are enough. I may change my mind someday but for now I need to learn how not to depend on anyone else but myself. I need to learn how to be happy.
With the final divorce court date coming up in just a few weeks and having Christmas and New Years. It is time to start moving on. Start putting my life back together.
We always have that don’t we. Once someone moves on and we end up alone again or even after a close family member dies there is a time where we go through the process of grief, anger, regret and everything else. Then there is a time where we just have to move on. I feel that is where I’m at right now. I can’t be pissed at him forever, I mean I could be but that wouldn’t help anyone. I’ve been trying to get my life back in order one piece at a time. Now the puzzle is starting to come together and look like a beautiful piece of art work. It’s a process though, a very slow process. Filled with lots of bumps in the road and bad days. There are the good days though as well, the ones where you get to see friends (male and female).
I have had so many people I couldn’t see while I was married because my ex didn’t like them (they were males). Yet he could go hang out with any female he chose to and I was supposed to be fine with that. I’ve met some new people who have been awesome, including a new guy. Who at this point is just a friend but has potential to be more. He takes care of me when we are together. You can tell he cares for me but wants to take it slow. Which I am 100% fine with.
With every relationship end there is a grieving period and no one can tell you how long it will take. You don’t even know until one day you wake up and say, “today is going to be different. I will not cry all day today. I will be strong.” I remember I had that moment the Thursday before I kicked my ex out. That weekend we were going camping and going to go see a race. I spent the entire weekend talking to friends about it and keeping my distance from him. Yes we slept in the same bed Friday night but Sunday night he slept in the cab of the truck and I slept in the bed. He was drunk and come to find out he went MIA on the people who were supposed to be watching him because I kept getting sick (from the stress). I got up the next morning packed up all of the dog and my stuff and left without saying goodbye. He didn’t come home that night. I packed his stuff that night and went to work. While at work I reconnected with some old guy friends I couldn’t talk to when I was with my then husband. While talking to the guy friend I said that I was done crying every day and feeling like a failure. Done feeling I couldn’t do anything right. I left work early, ran home and packed my car with his stuff. Dropped the dog off to my parents house and went to where he hangs out when I’m at work. I told him that I was letting him be free which was what he wanted. He was so confused. Probably wondering how I found out he was cheating on me.
After kicking him out it was a few good days and bad nights followed by lots of bad days. But it’s a process. Everyone has to grieve at some point. It was the end of a relationship. Now looking back on that day almost 4 months ago now. I know it was the best decision I could make. I am miserable now some days but I don’t go home and cry every day. I’m not running around trying to please him. I am doing my thing and being me. There is nothing better than that. If a guy happens to come along and it turns into something more then friends or a hookup I would be more open to it but I would want to go slow.