“I’m not good enough at _____”

“I’m not good enough at _____”

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Do you ever feel like you aren’t good enough? Look sexy enough? Act smart enough? In our society today it’s all about looks. The skinnier you are the more attractive you look. So people strive to be super skinny and unhealthy in an act to obtain that thigh gap or those 6 pack abs.

When you go through a divorce you begin to think this as well. You begin to question your self-esteem and wonder what you did wrong in the relationship that your significant other had to cheat on you or no long loves you. But why do we turn in word to our appearances? What if it’s not about us at all? I keep reading about how Divorce is never 100% that persons fault (or your fault) it is usually 60/40, 50/50, 30/70. The marriage broke up for a reason or even multiple reasons. They may have cheated on you, but you have to look at what you did in the relationship, you may not have made them go out and cheat but you probably also didn’t lead them on in a romantic way. When was the last time you and your spouse went out on a date? An actual romantic date? Even though we get married we aren’t supposed to stop dating.

The question that I hear a lot of my friends struggle with when getting a divorce, Did I do all I could have done? I often asked that question before I kicked my ex out. I remember going on a walk with my parents one night and I was in tears wondering if I truly had done it all or was I missing something. It wasn’t long after that when I decided that I had done everything I could. I was being hurt more emotionally and psychologically then I was benefiting from the relationship. I decided then that it was over. It was only after I served him papers that he responded saying, “Let’s go to counseling”. (Mind you I had asked him for months to go to counseling and he kept stating we didn’t need it.) It was his last ditch effort to keep me as the supplier in the relationship. I knew though it wasn’t what I wanted. To come to that decision though was a very hard process. It didn’t happen overnight.

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I think when we are making decision, just like when we are contemplating on buying that new car or dress, we need to really think about it. Too often we jump to the next big thing not looking at the outcome in the long run or how it will effect you in the future. We are people who focus on the present not on the future. Moving to look at the future takes a lot of time. We can’t jump from one job to another if we don’t like it. Sometimes we have to stick around until something better comes along. But then again we get back to the question of “Did I really do enough?” Sometimes we leave things to be unfinished and forget about them, other times we rush to finish and don’t do a good job.

I heard once that you know your passionate about something when you can’t forget about it. When it continues to come to mind when you have a bad day, contemplating your next move, or looking toward your future. What can’t you forget about? What is your passion? What do you want to be known as?

We can all strive to be better, even if that doesn’t look like the magazines, TV shows or celebrities. We decide what makes us better.

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What defines you?

What defines you?

What defines you? Is it your job? The color of your skin? Your schooling? Where you live? Who your married to? How many children you have? Past experiences?

We all have things that have shaped us to who we are today. So I ask you, What defines you? What makes you tick? When someone introduces themselves to you and asks where your from or what you do, how do you answer that question?

A few months ago, while sitting in church with my family, my mom walked out to get coffee or something, and came back with my high school friend’s family (I have been out of high school for 10 years). They informed me that their daughter, my high school friend (whom I haven’t spoken to since Sophomore year of high school) was getting married. I informed them that it was great and to tell her I said hi. As the service got started, the band started to play and my mom turns to me, stating in a semi loud whisper, “I didn’t tell them you were divorced.” I just sat there and said, “Okay” and left it at that. After that it got me thinking how I would define myself. I know I am not defined by my broken marriage and divorce but if it is brought up in a conversation I will state that I am divorce. I won’t walk up to someone and state, “Hi, my name is ____, I’m divorced.” If someone walked up to you saying that how would you react?!? I would be shocked and say, “Okay, that’s great.” while casually thinking how can I get out of this situation the fastest…

So I ask you again, What defines you? What do you want to define you?

When you pass away, what type of legacy will you leave? Do you like how you are living or could you stand to change a little? We all can stand to change a little bit more…

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The Art of Trying Something New

The Art of Trying Something New

In one of my most recent Bi-Sexual moments, I began talking to this woman I have been casually seeing for a little over a month. She stated that recently to help pay for different aspects of college she had sold her used panties online. She informed me that there’s a real market out there for used panties. Me being the very curious person, I had to look into this. Sure enough I found 3 different men on Craigslist looking for used panties. I started to dig more, because Google is a magnificent thing. Turns out there is a website where women can sell used panties, photos, escort services and more. So what do you think I did? I signed up. Sure enough in the few days I have been on this website I have gotten requests from being an Escort, to wearing panties for a day and wiping my ass with them before sending them. I have also gotten a request asking if i wore plastic boots in the country with socks and if I would be willing to sell those socks…

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I have spoken to a few guy friends I have who I would consider very sexual. They all have stated that they would never do it but could see people doing it. They continued to all state that there are some weird fetishes out there. One even stated he had an ex-girlfriend who would sell photos of her feet.

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I decided to give this selling used panties a try. I spoke to one of the gentlemen on Craigslist and we came up with a plan. He requested I wear panties for at least 2 days, put them in a Ziploc bag and then give them to him and he would pay me. Let me tell you wearing panties for 2 days in a row is rather interesting. Usually I just wear undergarments to work and then take them off when I get home. Sometimes I don’t even wear panties to work. So having these babies on for a full 48 hrs is proving to be quite challenging. I guess selling used panties isn’t for everyone…

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Living in a ‘Rape Culture’

Living in a ‘Rape Culture’

Since when is it okay to joke about rape?

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I don’t ever think it’s ok to joke about rape… I have been raped by an ex boyfriend before. I took a long time for me to finally come to terms and talk about it. It took almost 3 or more years before I told my parents. Unfortunately to this day they still don’t believe me, I told them 2 years ago…

People think that rape isn’t an issue and that when a woman or man gets raped that they are lying and actually wanted it…

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This brings me to my current main squeeze, the one that I’m trying to break away from. I have told him that I was raped by an ex before. I told him that now I am fine and it isn’t a touchy topic to me but there comes a point when it begins to become one… Last week he really wanted to have sex and wanted me to go down on him. He actually tried to force me on my knees and kept ‘bumping’ his thing into my body. He would laugh and say that we could go to dinner shortly…after I went down on him… I kept saying no and ended up walking into another room. The next morning when I woke up (he works 3rd shift), we were talking and he began to state things like ‘a woman’s place is on her knees’ and things to that extent. But he was texting it in a joking matter with smiley face emoji’s and ‘lol’s’ after. I told him no and stopped texting him. It was touchy that night as well. His roommates wife texted me asking me if we had broken up because he was being an ass. I told her no. He laid off the subject until this morning and last night when he started saying he wanted me to go down on him and that he would punish me if he I did this or did that… and then would clarify saying have sex with me if I did those things. At one point we were talking about how the Easter Bunny and Santa aren’t real and he jokingly said not to ruin his life with that and that he would stab me if I keep ruining his life (jokingly). I questioned him with his word choice and he clarified by stating he would stab me with his dick. The conversation continued by:

Me: “oh you think so do you”

Him: “Yeah are you gonna stop me”

Me: “yeah maybe I will”

Him: “Why would you , do you not love me anymore?” (crying emoji’s)

Me: I said maybe. Doesn’t mean it’s a for sure yes orrrr no

Him: “Well you don’t have a say so in rape lol ;)”

Me: “Ya better not… or there will be 0 blowjobs from now on”

 

How is rape funny?!? It’s NOT so DON’T!!!