I woke up this morning feeling broken… Let’s be real here, I’ve been broken for a while, almost three months now… It happened before I kicked him out, about a month before I kicked him out. When things started to really crumble. When I began to be suspicious of him cheating and realizing that he never wanted to work.
This past week has been a rough week. I went from “I’m okay” to “I don’t know if I can do this”. I’m supposed to be planning with him where we were going to go for our first Thanksgiving and what we were going to get each other for our first Christmas. Who’s parents house we were going to go to for gifts and when. What we were going to get our family members for Christmas. Now I’m alone. Trying to deal with all this family love and support. Having the seat next to me empty because it was supposed to be for him. Or having to share a hotel room with family members because I’m now the single girl who can bunk with anyone because I’m no longer with my husband.
All I really want is for him to return the papers he promised he signed, but I don’t think that will happen. I think he will ride it out so that we go through mediation (which neither of us can afford). All because I am asking him for less than $100 a month for a year. If you think about it all he has to do is buy a few less drinks at the bar each night for a YEAR! I want to talk to him but instead of talking I just want to yell at him to grow up and be an adult. Be responsible. But it will never get through his head. Nothing ever will.
For the past two months when we were together I was always the adult. The one who was in charge of everything, from cleaning the house to paying bills and making sure we were surviving. Even though we weren’t. While he was in charge of nothing. He wouldn’t do any of the yard work outside, Hell he didn’t even want to be home EVER!
So why do I feel so broken? It wasn’t a marriage… A marriage is two people being equal partners. That wasn’t it. Maybe I feel so broken because it was a loss of what I thought and wanted to think was love. Even though deep down I know it wasn’t. I want this feeling to go away. I want to be happy yet most days I struggle to get out of bed. Especially with being sick again. Every morning this past week I have given myself 20 minutes to get ready and out of the house so I’m not late for work. Thankfully the weather has cooperated and my puppy has been a good boy. Once I get to work I struggle to make it through the day then go home and go to bed.
My parents see I’m struggling, my mom has bailed me out financially and tries to be there for me but I’m a Social Worker. She has no idea to be there for me so I don’t push her away. I don’t try to push her away it’s just what I do. It’s how I cope. Distance myself from everyone and write. I want to be able to be on my feet and not rely on other people. Yet here I am trying to move on and instead of being dependent I’m relying on my parents for help and trying to find another guy to hold me at night when all I feel like doing is crying.
It will get better… It has to right?