Things I want to say to my ex husband…

Things I want to say to my ex husband…

Do you ever have those days where someone has hurt you or done you wrong and all you want to do is tell them how you really feel? You want to get physical with them, punch them in the throat or where it hurts the most, yell at them. After you feel better for the moment. Then you don’t because it was only for you and they didn’t change. Things didn’t happen besides the word vomit that is everywhere. In dealing with divorce you really have to watch what you say and do. Anything can be used against you in court. So you write notes that will never be sent. Praying that doing so will make you feel better. But it doesn’t. You want to move on but you feel trapped.

Today was that day… the day of anxiety of complete frustration. The day where I wanted to yell at him, kick him in the balls and make him go to jail for a very long time. Today i wrote him this (but never sent it):

“You have hurt me more then you will ever know and more then anyone else I have known. You take people and use them for your own purposes and when they are no longer good use for you you leave them stranded and broken. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You have no regard for the law or responsibilities. You would rather not work a day in your life and have someone support you so you can drink and go to the races. You would think after 3 DUI’s you would have learned your lesson but drunks never learn until they kill someone or are killed. Honestly I pray for people on the road when you drive. Grow up and be a man think about others for a change. I know that is a very hard concept for you since it’s not all about you, he’ll maybe if you were a grownup and not a drunk like your uncle or what your dad used to be, you would actually have friends that were good to you and actually be your friends not back stabbing liars like you. Stop thinking the world owes you shit and start realizing how much it doesn’t revolve around you. You, (Insert ex-husbands full name), are a self-centered drunk who doesn’t give a crap about anyone but yourself.

We will never be friends or acquaintances. If I dare see you anywhere near me you better walk away. Do not talk to me anymore. What we had was over and it will never come back.”

Did that feel good? Kind of but I’m still broken, I’m still trying to move on and I’m still left in a million pieces wondering if I can make it another day.

Fighting the After Effects of a Suicide Attempt

Fighting the After Effects of a Suicide Attempt

Alright so lets talk real here for a minute (like I haven’t been all along…psh). After someone tries to attempt suicide there is a ripple effect. The effect on yourself, on your job, on your relationships, etc.

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Yourself

Lets first talk about the after effects on yourself. Depending on what you tried to do, there could be a Psych evaluation, hospital stay, for sure counseling and for sure a trip to your doctor (whoever it may be) to evaluate your meds.

After all of that is completed there’s people constantly checking on you and in your business. Asking if you’re alright and if you want to talk about it. You also have those people who judge you and think that the attempt to kill yourself was just a cry for attention.

What you really want is for everyone to leave you alone and go lay in bed for days on end. But life doesn’t work that way. You have a job, you have a life, you may be married, you may have kids or pets. They won’t let you lay in bed wallowing in pain and self pitty, unless you don’t want any of those things. It sucks but you have to get right back at life and try and be a version of yourself that is healthy and mentally sound.

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Job

God does everyone hate working. We live in a society where people love to be at home and not have to work BUT still can make money. I will admit I am one of them.

They may give you a day off after the incident or if you end up on a Psych ward they will have to give you the day off. You would go through all of your savings and vacation yet still not working. When you are finally back to work people will again constantly ask you if you are okay and you will forever have that label on your back stating, “This person tried to commit suicide”.

We all need a source of income so we know that staying in bed is not an option for us wanting to survive. So we drag ourselves out of bed, grab some coffee, try to put on our best self and head into work. We are often late and stick to ourselves. We become anti-social and fear other people are judging us.

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Relationships

I feel like the relationships after suicide are the things that are most effected and usually not in a good way. Again people are always around ensuring you are okay and making you talk about your feelings. They will baby you and judge you at the same time. At some point they will begin to see that you are okay to their standards and then they will back away.

We as the people who have attempted suicide, we will begin to put that face back on and mask our emotions so people will back away. Yet we won’t really work it out completely. The thought of suicide will always be with us no matter what. We will also be planning our next attempt in the back of our mind. We may never act on it but the thought is always there.

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Suicide should never be an option yet some people don’t think about how it will effect others they just think about ending their life to end the pain.

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Thoughts

Thoughts

Thoughts can be a powerful thing. They not only dictate what consumes your life they also try to consume your life. Thoughts can be simple, such as, “What am I going to wear today?” or they can be complex and destructive, such as, “Is this guy I’m seeing lying to me?” “Am I ever going to be good enough? Maybe if I lose a few pounds someone will love me.”

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What happens when negative thoughts completely take over? I had that last night. My day had been pretty OK, work was boring but I was having good conversations with people. On my way home from work all of a sudden negative thought come filling my head about how ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘how life would be better if I was gone’, ‘how easy it would be to drive off the road and crash (although it wouldn’t be that effective)’, and finally about ‘what if I were to take all of my depression/anxiety pills at once’. Those thoughts were so strong, usually I can push them away, but I couldn’t yesterday. I went home and went straight to my medicine cabinet and took out all of the pills I had (some mine and some my best friends that she had given me because she no longer uses). I opened up the bottles and stared at them. I took a few out and put them in my hand, then my mouth and swallowed. I realized what I was doing and collapsed to the ground crying. I dumped the rest of the pills in the toilet and flushed.

I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I composed myself and quickly made dinner before going to a Church Bible Study. While there, I couldn’t concentrate, my head was spinning, ‘what had I just done?’ The topic of discussion was Thoughts. It hit me and I almost started balling right there in the middle of the bible study. I went home and immediately called my best friend. She helped me process what was going on.

I think it was those underlying thoughts and fears coming into play. My ex husband has been contacting me a lot lately, I originally thought I was stronger then it this time but maybe I’m not. Then there’s those thoughts in the back of my head questioning if the guy I’m casually seeing is lying to me about things or what.

Today, it’s that numb feeling with a tinge of regret. I know I’m better off alive but still sometimes I question it.

Thoughts can be very dangerous. They can also have consequences. It’s what you do with them that makes the difference.

Finding Love Again

Finding Love Again

I have found that after a divorce I have had a very hard time finding Love again. Of course, I have found what I want to believe what is love even when it’s not. This includes a love of food, superficial love, love of friends, etc. Love has many different forms and can mean very different things. The love I am struggling with is the love of a relationship. Yes there are certain parts of relationships that I love, the cuddling, doing fun things, being able to talk to someone. It’s the opening your heart to love someone like I did before I was married and even at the beginning of the marriage. At times you think you need to do things on your own and you don’t need a man in your life to help you. Then when you get home from work at 5:15 pm, you have to cut the grass, start laundry, feed the dog and feed yourself, you begin to think, “Maybe I do need a man to help me out.”

I tell everyone that I don’t want to be married again, that I would rather cohabitate with someone. Make it easier then living in a marriage that might be bound for failure. Even though I don’t know that. It is then and only then that I will find the guy I wasn’t looking for, in the place I wasn’t looking. Then I have that fear that it won’t last. At some point I have to open up and let someone in.

Cohabitation

This relationship I’m in now is a new kind of relationship. We are taking it very slow although we do talk about marriage. We both are in various stages of Divorce, mine being complete, his still taking place. I know he doesn’t want to scare me off. He thinks I’m great, and I think the same of him. He makes me want to be better but still gives me the space I need. Part of me questions if I can even do this again, have a good relationship and possibly get married. I know I have to try though. Try to make myself a better person and if he is still around supporting me, then I guess he is a keeper.

The Art of Trying Something New

The Art of Trying Something New

In one of my most recent Bi-Sexual moments, I began talking to this woman I have been casually seeing for a little over a month. She stated that recently to help pay for different aspects of college she had sold her used panties online. She informed me that there’s a real market out there for used panties. Me being the very curious person, I had to look into this. Sure enough I found 3 different men on Craigslist looking for used panties. I started to dig more, because Google is a magnificent thing. Turns out there is a website where women can sell used panties, photos, escort services and more. So what do you think I did? I signed up. Sure enough in the few days I have been on this website I have gotten requests from being an Escort, to wearing panties for a day and wiping my ass with them before sending them. I have also gotten a request asking if i wore plastic boots in the country with socks and if I would be willing to sell those socks…

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I have spoken to a few guy friends I have who I would consider very sexual. They all have stated that they would never do it but could see people doing it. They continued to all state that there are some weird fetishes out there. One even stated he had an ex-girlfriend who would sell photos of her feet.

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I decided to give this selling used panties a try. I spoke to one of the gentlemen on Craigslist and we came up with a plan. He requested I wear panties for at least 2 days, put them in a Ziploc bag and then give them to him and he would pay me. Let me tell you wearing panties for 2 days in a row is rather interesting. Usually I just wear undergarments to work and then take them off when I get home. Sometimes I don’t even wear panties to work. So having these babies on for a full 48 hrs is proving to be quite challenging. I guess selling used panties isn’t for everyone…

New Adventure

Navigating the Road Map of Life

Navigating the Road Map of Life

You ever have it when your driving along and your following your GPS then it starts to re-calculate as you come up to a huge interchange? You don’t know if your supposed to go straight or turn off the road onto another road. We have that in life, don’t we? We think we are on the right path and then we come to an interchange. We don’t know where to go, should we keep going down the path we think we need to go down or should we instead go down this new path? What if we made the wrong decision? We never really know until we have gone through the traffic of life.

The only reason I bring this up is because, I’ve had a few of these road blocks recently. The ones where you think your going the right way but your not 100% sure. Even though I’m divorced, I still have to deal with getting payment from my ex husband. Then there’s the whole, I’m bi-sexual and no one knows it. I want to say that I’m stronger in life, people see it and say stuff about it, but some days I’m not so sure. Some days it feels like I’m wandering through a dark hallway with my hands out trying to find the escape. Sometimes there is a light other days there isn’t.

There are some days when I wonder if I am on the right path in life. I wonder if I’m really making the right decision with who I ‘date’ or causally see. I know there is one guy I want to be with but life is crazy/messy and there is no way we can be together right now. Am I trying to rush into another relationship again and is this really something I want? We talk daily and I enjoy our conversations together. But I’m also talking to other people right now. Some days I feel like I’m in this crazy web, you know the ones you made in Elementary school for stories?

Story WebLife seems so complicated sometimes. I found though you have to keep chugging along.

Being an outcast in your own family

Being an outcast in your own family

You ever realize when your an outcast that you are judged so much harder in your family more then any one else? You get judged, ridiculed and isolated from them all. The small jabs here and there about things you can’t control, about mistakes you can’t change. After a while you begin to think of yourself as being a horrible person, even though you have learned from your mistakes and have moved on. They don’t see it though, all they see is the screwed up you. Nothing you do will change their view of you, so you realize you have two options: 1) conform to who they want you to be, and be miserable orrr 2) you say screw it and just be yourself and ignore your family. It’s really all up to you on how you view yourself and not how your family views you.

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